I Went Christmas Shopping For the Last Time

Yesterday, I went Christmas shopping with my wife. Against my better judgment, I was talked into making the trip, with the promise of a hotdog and an hour or so of Santa watching at the mall.

-Chip's note: I like to go to the mall, get a hotdog and watch the Mall Santa being mauled by the kids.

So anyway, away we flew in a flash! Off to the mall we went. A couple of weeks ago I had a bad experience at the mall with the hotdog place. I swore I'd never go back.

This brings me to yesterday. We returned to this mall, and while my wife went to the taco place, I went in search of food that was more American. As I approached the hotdog place I noticed that this week there were two different women working there. They were handing out hotdogs and fries quickly and completely.

Encouraged by this and my desire for another hotdog I got in line. When it came time to place my order I told her that I desired a chili cheese dog, fries and coke.

It was at his point she stopped me and seemed very proud to proclaim. "We're out of Coke!" So, I inquired as to what they did have, and was informed that my choices were blueberry Icee or nothing. I chose nothing.

So I spent an hour with my wife, eating my hotdog and watching Santa. Then it was off to the other stores of Knoxville.

Traveling out the interstate, I was going about sixty five and in the inside of the three westbound lanes. Suddenly the woman in front of me slams on the brakes. Seems she had waited until she was only five hundred feet away from her exit to try to get to the outside lane.

Now let me tell you, if you think it's hard to merge onto 640 from an onramp, you should try it from the median.

So the rest of the day went kind of uneventful. Especially after my wife made me quit yelling "Pokemon in isle eight" every few minutes. I'm telling you those Christmas shoppers stampede like buffalo at the sound of the word Pokemon. There is no doubt in my mind that if aliens landed during Christmas season, they would be sure that we worshiped something called a Pokemon. They would have no doubt that our whole civilization centers around these creatures.

Then...Then...Then we go to K-Marts. Ah, K-Marts, that megastore of future yardsale junk. The temple of East Tennessee Christmas for many years. I prefer K-Marts over Walmarts, for several reasons. Mostly because they don't have as many mental deffecients working there. Everytime I go to Walmarts I am run over by someone wearing a Walmarts uniform.

Everything went well in K-Marts. I spent some of my time walking around the toy section. I would get behind an isle where I knew many women were looking. Then I would proclaim "they just got some Pokemon stuff in back at the layaway counter." I did this twice before my wife caught me. Oh yeah, she put a stop to my fun! Told me she couldn't take me anywhere anymore. That's okay though, I caused quite a scene at the layaway counter. It seems that if women think you have pokemon stuff, and you work at K-Marts, they won't take your word that you are not hoarding the action figures. My wife made me leave before the band of angered women strip searched the poor layaway clerk.

My wife proclaimed that I was to keep my hands in my pockets and keep my mouth shut, the rest of the time I was in the store. Everything went fine until time to leave. As we walked across the front of the store, we got behind this 200 year old woman. She was walking so slow, I'm sure she only took two steps every three minutes. She just slowly pushed her buggy towards the checkout lane.

So I started to pass her. This old lady sped up and cut me off at the jewelry counter. So I thought maybe she was just looking at something. But after I got behind her again she slowed back down. So after the jewelry counter I started to pass her again. Again she sped up!

Now I'm thirty four and this old woman was one hundred and two. I was reasonably sure I could outrun her. Besides, if I couldn't, certainly I could kick that cane out from under her.

She looked at me and grinned a denture laden smirk, I snarled at her with my best disgruntled Christmas shopper face! We were off to the races! Both of us flat out running across the front of K-Marts. She was doing pretty well until I forced her against the gift pack section.

As my wife pointed out to me after we left, my actions were a bit juvenile. People coming into K-Marts didn't have the full story of what this old woman had done. They only saw some thirty four year old man trying to beat and elderly grandmother to the checkouts.

Now listen, before all of you condemn me for my actions, let me tell you the rest of the story. As I was leaving the parking lot I was cut off by a gray Buick. It was getting dusky, but I could still make out the form behind the wheel. It was a little, old lady, that same little old lady, and she was giving me the finger.

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