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Gas A' Hog

I hate paying bills. I hate paying anything that I don't receive something tangible for. I hate electric bills, insurance bills, water bills and the sort. But the one thing I hate worse than anything else is buying gas.

America is as addicted to gasoline as any junky is to heroin. It galls me to hear someone complain about the high price of gas as they drive along in their land yacht we know as SUV's.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted a Jeep. Recently I decided to take the plunge and buy myself one. I'm going through my fourth childhood here. I went and looked at Jeeps on the lots. I looked at all the options, soft top hard top, etc. But the one thing on the price tag that caught my eye was the gas mileage. Thirteen miles to the gallon! I'm now looking at Toyota Rav 4's.

Opec says that gas is going up because of a petroleum shortage. Now they aren't fooling me! I learned in 9th grade science that oil is made from dead dinosaurs. Are they now trying to tell me that there are less dead dinosaurs today than there were a year ago?

The other day I stopped at the local Conoco. I was shocked to see $1.79 emblazoned right there in red letters. Surely it was cheaper somewhere else, if I wanted to drive further down the road. But I figured if I ran out a bunch of gas trying to find it cheaper I wouldn't save a lot. So I purchased my $1.79 bag of barbequed pork rinds. Purchasing my rinds and an RC Cola to wash them down with, I asked the attendant the price of gas this week. He said something in a dialect that was more Indian than English. I'm not sure he understood my question, I think he wanted me to purchase a Slushy. So I figured if pork rinds were $1.79 gas would probably be worse.

Last night I read in the paper that we should be happy to pay higher prices for gas. I am told that Canada pays tons more for their gas than we do and have for years. Well, as I tell people, who when I gripe about my problems, tell me so and so has it worse..."I'm real sorry for so and so but how the dickens does that help me?" And besides that they use those liters and millimeters up there. As far as I know there is no way to convert any of that metric stuff to gallons. So who knows what they really pay?

If lawyers want to litigate someone for selling an addictive product tell them to get off the cigarette people and attack the oil companies. Americans are far more addicted to gas than they ever have been to cigarettes. Proof of that is no matter how much gas costs idiots still buy their land yachts that get 12 miles per gallon. Then they drive their land yachts at 20 mph from gas station to gas station looking for cheap prices.

Oh but you say that while both gas and cigarettes are addictive, cigarettes cause health problems. Well, try to drink some gas and see how well you feel. Or better yet try to drink gas and smoke cigarettes.

So I propose this. All these five foot three men who buy huge SUV's to make themselves feel more manly, should be required to buy special gas. Oh, it would be the same gas that everyone else buys, but it would cost three dollars a gallon. We'd call it special SUV gas and say it lubricates the giblet gear better than normal gas. If that doesn't sell it, we can run commercials showing Toyota 4 Runners climbing huge rock piles. On top of the rock pile will be the Swedish Bikini Team. Once the truck gets to the top the girls run over and start ravishing the man saying "We love men who buy special $3 giblet gear lubricating SUV gasoline!"

Watch the men run to the local Exxon and demand their manly $3 a gallon giblet gear lubricating SUV gasoline. Because after all it's recommended for their manly SUV!

My point? I think it's an injustice for Americans to complain about the high price of gas while running out in record numbers to buy 12mpg gasahogs.

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