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I Count Too

I got up this morning totally refreshed, thinking I would make the most of a beautiful day. Anything was possible, maybe I'd mow the field, possibly cut the three trees I've been wanting to get rid of. I sat down with my coffee and watched the news. You guessed it, my day is ruined! Why do I watch those idiots?

So I finally got my nerve up to open my office door. There was yesterday's coffee, a Pepsi and a half eaten donut. I finished the donut and decided to spend my day here cleaning out my office. No use going outside, after all hadn't the weather moron just said it was going to rain? Never mind that the sun is shining out there. It's just nature's clever plan to lure me outside just to get wet.

My file cabinet! There are more papers on my file cabinet than in it. Yes sir, that's what I'll do today! Won't my wife be proud?

Well, the first thirty papers went in the trash. Most of it was my mail for the past three weeks. I don't need any more credit cards, nor do I want to change to AT&T, so off to the trash it flew. Then, right there under my Columbia House advertisement was my 2000 Census form. Here it is May and I still haven't filled that thing out yet. Oh, I know it's supposed to be back by April first, but I got the long form, don't I get extra time or something?

So I ask myself, what are they going to do to me? I tossed it in the trash. Something disturbed me about that. I became concerned that they might have some legal powers, so I retrieved the booklet and began to search for any threat they might make. Right there on the front page in black and white it said "Basahin ang nasa likod ng pahinang ito!" Now, I have no idea what that meant but it sounded bad, and it looked like they meant it. On second thought, I guess I'll fill it out.

You know, I hate the census. During the last census I filled out my form like a good American and sent it in. A month later this lady showed up and told me I hadn't filled out my census. I assured her I had, but she was equally as sure I hadn't. She left me another form. I filled it out and the next week she came back and got it. A month later this SAME lady came to my house and said I hadn't filled out my census form. I asked her if she didn't remember being at my home a month before. She assured me that she had never been here before. So okay, I filled out another census form. Next week I saw her in my driveway, I thought she had come to get my last completed census form. Not so! She knocked on my door and I answered. She informed me that I had not filled out my census form. People, I had filled out three already! I stood there fuming and my wife walked up to speak rationally to the woman, who argued with her that she had never been to our home. I asked my wife to step aside so that I might slam the door. I told the lady that I wasn't filling out any more census forms that I thought being counted three times was more than enough. She informed me I would go to jail. Enough was enough! I told the census taker from Hades that the only thing Chip Brown would go to jail for was killing the next census worker that came to my home. I'm not sure if I was counted three times or not at all in 1990.

You know the whole census organization is a bunch frauds! I can prove it too. The other night on TV this census lady said "This information helps the Federal Government distribute funds in your area." But, right here on the census form it says that the Census Department shares this information with nobody. It says and I quote "no unauthorized person can see your form or find out what you tell us - no other government agency, no court of law, NO ONE."

Now you tell me, how does the Federal Government use this to distribute funds if the Census department doesn't give them the information. What do they do, play charades for it?

One thing I found while filling out the form is that there are a lot of hidden messages in it. It asked me for my comments on page two. Well hey, this is my chance to tell them what I think! But there on the bottom of the page is this fine print:

Comments should be directed to the Associate Director of Finance, Attention: Paperwork Reduction Project.

Attention paperwork reduction project? When I reduce paperwork I toss it in the trash! No doubt this is what they intend to do with my comments. I won't waste my time with that.

Here are a few of the questions that gave me thought:

Question 1
What is this person's name?
I just started wondering how many puddentanes the census get's every year? How many Seymore Butts and such. I guess I should have stopped here because my mind had started to wander.

Question 6
What is this person's race?
There is no doubt in my mind that someone in Union County put Nascar. But I decided I'd make up a new race. I figured the government could set up a huge buracracy to study my new race. Plus, if I could qualify as a minority, I could get tons of free stuff from the government. I will call my race human! If I am the only person to put this, I am a minority!

Question 7
What is this person't marital status?
Fair question to ask, but where is the line for teetering on the brink?

Question 8
What grade or level was this person attending?
What kind of question is that? It has not asked me yet if I were in school! And I find it odd that while these questions are supposed to be for the head of the household, there is a place to check nursery school. I can see the husband coming home today and saying "honey I don't want to talk, I had a bad day at nursery school." Probably someone ate his finger paints.

Question 11
Does this person speak a language other than English?
Now, I have always prided myself at being bilingual. When I was in school I wanted to get a job at the U.N. as an interpreter. But once again they left my box out, where was the place to check pig latin?

Question 17
Now, this question gave me a problem because I could only check one! Many of the answers applied to me, how do I choose? The question was, because of physical or mental condition does this person have difficulty:

a) Learning, remembering, or concentrating? Now my wife says I never learn, I've already had to look at the front of this book to see what I was filling out four times, and concentrating gives me a headache.

b) Dressing, bathing, or getting around the home? Dressing isn't a real problem for me. Ever since I went to pick my wife up at work wearing my pajamas, she's been laying my clothes out every morning. Bathing, well, my wife says I don't bathe enough, but once a week isn't a real problem for me. Now getting around the home, that's a different story. The other night our cat was screaming and running through the house. Woke me up at 3am so, of course, he had to die! As I searched the darkened house for him he shot between my legs. At three in the morning my balance isn't the best and I began to wobble. I teetered for a few moments and then plunged head first into the basement. While I didn't wake up again until the next morning I realize now that unconscious isn't the same as asleep.

Question 22
Last week did this person do ANY work?
Now why is the word any in all capitals and bold letters? Have these people been talking to my wife? They seem sure that finding me doing work is in short supply. I'll have them now I did the dishes once last week!

Question 23
How did this person get to work last week?
Get to work? They make it sound like a priveledge! I admitted I washed the dishes, but I wasn't priveledged to do it! No sir, I had to be made!

Question 27
Describe clearly the work this person did last week.
They seem fixated on me doing the dishes don't they. Maybe doing the dishes didn't fit any of their categories. To be exact washing the dishes was a honeydo job. Most men do these, they're the jobs assigned to them by their wives with the phrase "Honey do this or honey do that."

Oh good grief! I gave up at this point and just started checking boxes for the rest of the form. I'd just close my eyes and whatever my finger landed on was the box I checked. Later after I finished, my wife looked over my census form. She informed me that according to my census I was a caucasion Asian, living in RV making a million dollars a week and having no wife but somehow had accumulated thirty kids!

Yeah right, I wish! I've always wanted an RV.

The only part of the whole thing that made me really think was that line about paperwork reduction. If they want to reduce paperwork, they should call me, I could write them a better form for Union County!

Click here to take Chip's Union County Census!

But really, it's important that you fill out this form. After all the Census department itself, says right on the form:

Lahat ng nakatira sa Estados Unidos sa Abril 1, 2000 ay kailangang!

Now, how can you argue with that?

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