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Oh I Get it Now!

About a year ago I wrote an article that expressed what men needed to know about women and what women needed to know about men. Next to my "Lake Monster" article these hold the record for most e-mails. My wife can't believe that I wanted to do a followup to those articles. Actually, she flat out told me not too. But, she's not here today, so I'm writing it anyway. Later when she finds out, I'll deny writing this and you people better not squeal on me this time.

How to understand "Women Speech." Contrary to what the average man thinks, when a woman is standing beside the recliner moving her mouth, words may indeed be coming out. In fact some of the words may even make sense, if you speak their language. Here are some examples:

The word "yes" in fact means no. It's all in how it's said. Sometimes women say yes but say it in such a way as to allow even the most feeble minded male to know she meant no.

The word "no" means no. They use this word on men who indeed are too feeble minded to understand that yes means no.

They use the word "maybe" to mean no, but I don't have time to tell you no right now.

I have learned the hard way over the years to realize that when women say the phrase "I'm sorry" it really means, you'll be sorry. So now when my wife tells me she's sorry I dodge, because surely she will whack me in the head when I'm not looking.

Here's a good one. When a woman tells her husband "we need..." it simply means that she is saying ...I want. Do not forget this one. "Naw honey I can fix the old one" is just going to cause you a lot of work and a long drive getting yelled at, to get whatever it was she wanted in the first place.

"It's your decision" in woman talk simply means it's your decision. It's just up to the man to be smart enough to ask the woman what he just decided.

"Do whatever you want" means do what I told you or else! Done incorrectly this one may be followed by long periods of silence and many Big Macs at Ronald McDonald's for the man.

"We need to talk" in woman speak means you did something moderately wrong and it's time you were informed of your terrible deed.

"Sure go ahead" is an easy one, it means you're staying home tonight big fella! If you do leave anyway, saying "but you said go ahead" is no excuse when you come back home.

When your wife says, "I'm not upset" just hand her the broom. This phrase means, give me something to hit you with.

When she says "this kitchen is inconvenient" at best she means we need new cabinets. Most likely it means you need a new house.

With that in mind, when she says "We need new curtains" this means we need new curtains, carpet, tile, furniture and wallpaper.

Late at night when she says "did you hear that?" She is simply saying I noticed you were almost asleep.

Now here is a tricky one. When she says "do you love me?" It could mean one of three things 1) I want something expensive 2) I broke your fishing rod or 3) Your mother in law is coming for a visit.

But if "do you love me?" is followed by "how much do you love me?" Without a doubt this means she dented the car by accidentally running through the garage and parking the car on top of your bass boat.

Women are like God, a minute to them is like a month. Like the phrase "I'll be ready in a minute." I once watched a whole Columbo Mystery Movie in one of my wife's minutes.

Now to be fair here, men also have a very peculiar type of language. Here are some examples of men speak:

"I'm tired" means I'm tired.

"I'm sleepy" means I'm sleepy.

"I'm hungry" means I'm hungry.

But all aren't that easy:

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" means I liked it much better before.

"Hand me the crescent wrench" means get out of the way, I need to crawl out from under the car and get myself the crescent wrench.

At the grocery store, if a man says "lets get in this checkout line" it means this cashier girl is a real cutie.

So there you have it, all the knowledge I have gathered from years of living with my wife. I think I'm on my way to finally understanding women.

Both my the same author as this nonsense...Chip!

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