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Wooooooooo!

As most of you know, who regularly read my dribble, I hate the news media. Oh, not all of it, I kind of like that Court TV. It's the only place on TV I can watch people worse off than me plead for their miserable lives. I find that somewhat refreshing. However, most other news media makes me physically ill.

I used to be one of those Americans that watched the news that had the prettiest newscaster. Until recently, here in Knoxville I would have had to say that was WATE with Lori Tucker. She's still the best looking, but I can't bear to watch her anymore. I always thought she was a cutey. That was until two years ago.

I got up one morning, it seemed little different than any other morning, maybe a bit colder. It was the day of the Union County Christmas Parade. Ah, the Union County Christmas Parade! The one day of the year that the yokels get to drive their tractors on the road and not have me behind them. The day of the year subpar politicians get to ride in cars and wave at the crowd like they're royalty and the crowd are but their peasants. This day would be a turning point in my news watching life.

Lori Tucker and Matt Hinkin (the weather liar) were to be the marshals of the parade. My wife's place of employment was to have a float in the parade. I had a special interest in the parade, as I had designed much of the float. It was a mural of Snow White's Cottage and I had painted it. I guess it doesn't take much to make me proud.

Anyway, it was colder than a ditch digger's rear end that day. Wasn't even supposed to get above the 20's. I was dressed in two pairs of pants, three shirts an unknown amount of socks, hat, and a green Chiller Killer (large bulky snow suit). I looked like a mutant pea that was about to explode.

Well, I was supposed to take pictures of all the floats and dignitaries. I did pretty well for most of the parade, until I walked down on the old road. There, in front of the Lady B' Lovely beauty salon I made my grand spectacle.

It was the first time I had seen the news anchor lady I had been smitten with for years. As she approached I was taking a picture of Judge Darrell as he passed and pelted me with candy. I picked up a Tootsie Roll he had tossed me and looked up just in time to see Lori Tucker and Matt the weather liar, right there in front of me riding on the back of a convertible!

I was speechless as I gazed at her! Here was the lady that told me about the twenty car pile up the week before, and somehow made me think it was a good thing. The smile that had brightened my wait on Jeopardy to come on, at 7:00pm. Before I knew what I was doing, I was standing there in my green Michelin Man pea suit pointing and grinning at Mrs. Tucker. Then she looked at me. Right at me I'm telling you! I always wondered what I'd say to her if I ever saw her in person. I had always thought it would be something like "I enjoyed your piece on global warming last night at six."

Oh, but I was not to say anything quite so wonderful this day. No sir, I looked straight at Mrs Tucker, pointed and exclaimed, "I watch you every night at six!" Then I began this sort of giggle, that I had never done before, nor have I done since. Then I snapped her picture.

Folks, what I have is a picture of Lori Tucker looking at me like I was a fool. And she was right, I was a fool and had proven it right there in front of the Lady B' Lovely Beauty Salon. I was a pea green over inflated Union County native creature commonly known as the blathering idiot. She just grinned kind of said "hum thanks." Then her car sped off down the road. I swear I think I heard her tell her driver to get her out of this place.

Oh, it's no fault of her's. I couldn't have made a bigger fool of myself if I had stood on the side of the road, naked and demonstrating a wrestling move I had learned while visiting the Saturday night rastlin' matches in Knoxville. This is not an uncommon site by the way in Union County.

So, why have I again wasted your time reading this? I have a point to make! Amazing that no matter what I talk about, eventually I have a point isn't it?

The Today show! Why do they do the weather out on the street? All the people gather around to watch the weather guy say nothing. Then he walks up to them and asks, "where are you from?"

Somewhere in America there is a town called WOOOOOOOO! That's where all these idiots are from. Where are you from is always answered by a bunch of girls yelling Wooooooo! Fortunately, the people that sent them there realized these people would forget where they were from. Certainly they knew that if anyone asks these people where they were from they would respond wooooo! Therefore they wrote the name of their town on a sign for them to hold. They say, "Woooooo" then the weather man reads their sign and asks if their from Hodgkins Wisconsin like it says on the sign. These morons look down at the sign and then say "yeah" followed by "wooooo!"

Do these people really think that going WOOOOO is going to get them noticed on national TV? Everybody goes WOOOOO! If you want to get noticed puke! I'd notice that and talk about it for days. Or better yet when the camera is on you loudly proclaim that "When I get home, Lonnie Linkfelter is going to get a butt whoopin' for messing with my woman!" Or better yet just start whoopin' the tar out of the old lady next to you.

Oh, it's easy for me to give advice. Most likely if I was outside the Today Show and Al Roker asked me where I was from, I'd probably just point and say..... Wooooo! Back in Tennessee Lori Tucker would say "Hey that's the nutcase from Union County. At least someone would know where I'm from.

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