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What Men Should Know About Women

Sometimes I have writer's block. This causes me to go back into my notebook of story ideas for something new. In better times I know better than touch these subjects. But when writer's block takes over, they seem like a pretty good idea. Writer's block caused my now famous roadkill article. To this day it holds the record for most mail received.

Now, before I go on let me say. 1) I will give equal time to women in my next article. 2) Ladies, don't write me because of this, rest assured my wife will kill me sufficiently when she reads it, for all of you.

"The great question, that I have been unable to answer is, what does a woman want?" -Sigmund Freud

Women cry at anything. The trick is to determine the reason for their tears. They cry because they're happy, they cry because they're sad. They cry because you bought them something, they cry because you didn't. The best way I've found to determine the reason is to grin at them. If it's a happy cry she will determine you are as happy as her and will give you a hug. If it is a sad or angry cry, she will most likely ask you what you think is so funny. There is no correct answer to this question. I would suggest falling down and trying to fake a stroke.
Why do women go to restrooms in pairs? Well I'm not sure of this but I suspect it's a brainstorming session. "Did my husband say anything I should punish him for?" I guess sometimes they're afraid they didn't catch some stupidity we did and hope another woman did. The two men left at the restaurant table live in fear of the return of their wives. You can see this from a distance. One man cringes, he's the one that was elected as bad deed guy in the restroom vote. The other guy looks relieved. He's just happy the other guy is getting it!
One of the biggest things men don't understand is the appeal of Oprah. Now this one is simple. Every married woman wants to know that some other woman is married to something worse than you.
Women do not believe that shortcuts exist. A woman will make you drive a hundred miles out of your way to avoid the slightest chance of getting lost. And if lost, she sees nothing wrong with stopping at a service station and announcing to everyone that her husband is lost. All the time, you knowing it was her that was holding the map upside down. Don't mention it! Take the blame and continue on. The man at the service station has most likely been in your position. We're still going to laugh and make fun of you, but deep down we understand.
Women love to shop. It's just in their mindset all the way back to olden times. Men are hunter gatherers. We determine the need that we have and we drive to the nearest store to secure this product. Now the one constant is, if men go with women to stores, the women will always need a bra or some other unmentionable. They will always ask your opinion of the article of unmentionables they are considering. The correct answer is "That would look great honey!" Never ever say "You'd never fit into that!"
When women shop they will say such things as "I don't have anything to wear." Never, never mention all those clothes in the closet, unless you are reasonably sure they have become too large for her. Now while women shop they are looking for a bargain. The idea of need is not important, a bargain is a bargain. That's how Walmarts sells those huge bales of toilet paper.
Bathroom habits are unique among the female of our species. The average woman has more that one hundred items in her bathroom. Of these one hundred items her husband can name no more that three.
Women will always ask you questions that have no answer. At least not an answer that keeps the peace. Questions such as, "do you think that girl is pretty?" Or would I look big in that? Neither of these questions need any thought. No, you do not think that girl is pretty, and of course that skirt makes her look thin! I saw a guy at Walmart the other day, get clobbered by his wife. She asked him if the girl on this magazine was good looking. He replied "No honey I don't like girls like that." Wow! This guy must have read my book. But then he failed to apply brakes to his mouth and uttered "I only like plain girls like you." Ooh! She clobbered him good. Shame too, because he was so close.
Men and women are treated different by police. Women can be pulled over, pout, never say a word, bat their eyes at the cop and look sad. the cop will let them go. If a man tries that he will be drug from the car, clubbed, and arrested for intoxication.
Women watch soap operas much the same way as we watch sports. We watch sports to escape reality and remember how good life was when we were young. Women watch soap operas to see how much worse their lives could be.
Women are never wrong. I will not elaborate on that, just believe it as a truth constant in the world.
Good China means plates used when other women are around. Someone told me that good China is used when they have company. Not so! Have three or four of the boys over to watch the game. Does the wife allow you to use the good China? No!
Why do women keep us men around? One word...Bugs! They need someone to kill bugs. It's our only chance in life to appear superior to women. "Well yeah honey, I'll squash that critter for you!" I think this is how John Wayne got his start.
Women are not interested in your sense of humor. Oh they may say that this is an important trait, but you never see women run past Harrison Ford to get to Gary Larson do you?
Women can not let a ringing phone ring. Men feel that a phone is for their convenience and will hardly ever answer for anyone. Women on the other hand fear it may be another woman calling to tell her what she saw her husband do that day.
Women like flowers. If you see a man in a flower shop buying flowers rush in and ask the cashier if it's Valentines day! If it is buy flowers immediately! If it's not then ask the man buying the flowers what he did.
Women love cats, men like dogs. Men tell women that we like cats, but when the women aren't looking, men kick cats.
I still have no idea what PMS is. I can't find it any any dictionary, but I think it stands for Permittable Man Slaughter.

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