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Give Me My Gun!

I saw the most interesting thing on the news today. This again proves that real life is tons more funny than anything I write. Seems this little kid takes 150 Pokemon cards to school. This being clearly against school rules, they were confiscated from him. Problem was, when his parents came for the cards, the school had lost them. A judge just awarded this juvenile rule breaker 1500 big ones!

I'm sorry that the cards were lost but should this kid be rewarded for breaking the rules? Beats me but this got me to thinking.

Now, undoubtedly one of the people who reads my website each week is a lawyer. If so and you'd like to donate your time. I want to file suit against the school. My lawyer told me to quit bothering him with ideas like this and hung up on me. So, I'll tell you what, we'll split the profit.

So why do I want to sue the school? For the loss of all the things taken from me by teachers and never returned. Here is a partial list of such items:

Chattering teeth. You know those windup teeth that chattered around on your desk. Back in the fourth grade a teacher took my chattering teeth and they were never returned. Surely, these things are worth a fortune by now.

Playing cards. In the eighth grade I lost a deck of playing cards to an overpaid hall monitor. She said that gambling devices were against the rules. I tried to explain that we weren't gambling and that if you held the card just the right way, the numbers changed into a naked lady. Imagine that! She said this was worse. Not only did I lose my trick naked lady cards, but I was paraded along with my friends to the office.

Chewing gum. I must have lost $50 bucks worth of chewing gum. I'll discount the cost to the school down to $25 because a good part of it had been chewed.

Dirty book. For a book report one year I used a copy of Lust On The Orient Express. How was I to know it was a dirty book? In the fifth grade it just seemed oddly interesting to me. There were three things I learned from this. 1) Dirty books are placed in the teacher's purse not her desk drawer, 2) Book reports from dirty books, while they hold your class's attention, usually get bad grades, 3) never take one of your older brother's books and use it for a fifth grade book report.

X-Ray glasses. In the back of a Sgt. Rock comic book I found the ad for X-ray glasses. It was the eighth grade and I had to have them. So when they came in the mail I got them at the mailbox. Off to school I went to see through people's clothes. Not only was I taken by the Acme X-ray glasses company, but my glasses were taken by the teacher! They owe me $4.95 for these!

Water pistol. In the seventh grade, I had this water pistol that would just fit in your hand. Of course, I took it to school. There, I filled it with warm water and approached my friends. While talking to them I shot water onto the front of their pants leg. Since it was warm water and I did it slow, nobody noticed. Then when the teacher came in, she noticed what appeared to be four boys talking at the blackboard with bladder control problems. The way I squirted them made them appear to need a diaper! Ha ha tons of fun just like the watergun advertisement promised! I'll never know how the teacher knew I had done it. I suspect it was because I was the one laughing. $6.95 for a watergun!

So my point is, (isn't it cool how I always have a point?) I lost several dollars worth of loot to teacher's through my school life! I never realized a judge could help me get even. All through school I caused trouble on my own! If I had only know the judicial system would have supported me in my mischief I would have done tons more!

So school system get ready. I'm going to get myself the best lawyer I can get for....lets's see...I have six dollars here...two dollars in my change jar...two bubble gum wrappers...three box tops I'm saving for a neat prize from Kelloggs...and a couple of rocks I intend to throw at the neighbor's dog. Hmm, guess I can't really afford a lawyer. Maybe I'll invest in some new X-ray glasses, surely they've improved in the last twenty years. If they have, you'll see me at the mall. I'll be they guy in the weird looking glasses.

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