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Telemarketers\Walkamarketers

I simply don't know what all the hoopla is about telemarketers these days. You'd think the state of Tennessee was taking people off the bus list to Hades the way people are scrambling to have their names removed. Heck, if it weren't for telemarketers, I wouldn't get any calls I wanted to answer. Just the other night a telemarketer called and told me I was chosen. I answered the phone and she said "Mr. Brown you have been chosen..."

I said, "Really, me?!"

She replied, "Yes indeed you!"

I then said, "Thanks!" and hung up. After all, If I am chosen I shouldn't waste time talking on the phone, I should go out and spread the word! I told as many people as I could that I had been chosen, that the phone told me so. Seems nobody believed me! What can you expect from WalMart shoppers? Then can you believe that WalMart security had the nerve to toss the "Chosen One" out?

But, my point is this, what's the big deal? If you don't want to talk, hang up or better yet don't answer! There is a bigger problem out there today! I intend to see that the state addresses these vermin also.

I call them "Walkamarketers"! They choose a charity and then try to extort money from me to walk. They explain that if I pay them, they will walk three miles and the money goes to charity. I usually give them five dollars just to go away. No more! If I give these people money I intend to go and watch. I intend to make sure they walk. If they sit I will remind them that my five dollars is paying for walking, not sitting! Same goes for drinking water! If they want a drink let them have it on their own time!

These are the same people that come into my business begging money for this or that for the school. "They say things like "I'm taking up money to send my kid to camp." If you want rid of your kid that bad lock them in the closet! That doesn't cost me a dime!

Same goes for homecoming queens! If you want your kid to be the homecoming queen, do the American thing, buy it for her! Don't put your kid out in the middle of the street with a bucket! It's dangerous and it clogs up traffic. I'm in a hurry, and usually eating a donut, it's hard to see around a chocolate glazed.

Now there is one exception to the bucket rule. It's okay for the Rescue Squad and the Fire Departments. I always give to them both coming and going, it's a good cause. The only thing that bugs me is the card they give you. On the back it says "In emergency call..." Then it gives a list of 992 phone numbers. Shouldn't it simply say "In case of emergency call 911"? If my house is on fire should I yell, "Woman! Get me that card! I need to call Carl and tell him my house is on fire." No, I think it's better to call 911 and have them alert the various authorities. I vow to double my contribution to the first organization that changes their cards in this manner.

Are all money solicitors bad? No way! I like bake sales and car washes. I like the dinners at Luttrell Elementary when June Merritt cooks. I like the fried pies at the Methodist Church bake sale in Maynardville (I am a hypocritical Baptist).

So if you're going to have a bake sale hire June Merritt or whoever the lady is that makes fried pies at the Methodist Church, you'll get my money.

Car washes are okay too. I usually stop at car washes if it's for a good cause. Now I will confess, and my wife will kill me for this. If there are two car washes I will usually stop at the one with half naked girls standing at the street holding signs. I don't think that's weird, it just makes me a real American.

Watch the next time in Halls. When there is a car wash at McDonald's and another at Burger King. Both can be for a great cause, or even the same cause. But, the one with the half naked bathing beauties will have more business! Why is that? Because men drive the cars that need washing! Men are just more giving than women. A woman will say "We can wash the car at home!" My wife by the way says that. But, a man will want to help the cause and will chooses his charity not based on it's worthiness but upon the quality of the bathing beauties!

There is no doubt in my mind that 99.9% of men will get their car washed by half naked heathens rather than fully clothed church goers. Am I saying that's a good thing? Of course not, but it is reality. So people if you want to have a successful car wash put your lovely's in next to nothing and let them have a sign.

Maybe the Rescue Squad could benefit from this.

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