This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

Bok Bok Ba Gowwwwwwwk!

For those of you who don't know, Channel 6 is going to air film footage of a rooster fight shot in Union County. It will be on Wednesday night at 6 and again at 11. be sure to set your VCR's and get your friends and family on tape.

Long before Channel 6 came to our county to cover the rooster fights, I interviewed a well known rooster fighter. He didn't say anything really intelligent, so I never wrote the article. One thing he did say that sticks in my mind is this:

(Quote)
"Nows theys always tellin' me about how to make animals mean. A friend a mine says to me one day he fed his ole hound gunpowder and it made him real vicious. Kind of an evil vicious I think they said. I decided to do that with ole Bert my prize fighten' rooster. Well sir that's real good for dogs, that gunpowder and all. But it just killed ole Bert. He just fell over on the ground an ran around in circles, kinda like the three stooges at that thar picture show. Then just fell over dead with a weird look on his face."
(To this I said that's really bad.)
Then he says: "Well now that thar' ain't the worst of it. No sir, I paid big money for that bird. I gave forty dollars and a whole passel of food stamps for him. Shoot, I couldn't just bury him. I took him to my wife and said Maw fix ole Bert for supper. Well sir she hadn't much more than put that thar bird in the stove before we heard a pop and sizzle. Maw went and opened up that thar stove to have a look. That's when it happened."
(I prodded him to tell me what happened)
He says: "Well sir, not only does gunpowder kill roosters, it makes them explode when you try to cook them. Knocked Maw clear across the kitchen. I was sittin there in the living room when her head popped through the wall. Well, let me tell you that woman called me names I ain't never heard.

Now folks let me tell you right now that story is true (Chip is a known liar).

I've never seen a rooster fight in my life, but it seems to me to be a sport I could excel in. Seems to me someone with half a brain (I qualify on that part) could clean up just by using their head. Now I admit that I don't know all the rules to such a match. Does one chicken have to pin the other to the mat?

But I'd make a good helmet for my rooster out of steel.  That way his head would be protected. I'd then conceal a knife under his wing. That way if he starts losing the match he could whip out the knife and cut the other bird. Maybe I could make a small steel chair. Then when I saw the other rooster getting the best of my bird I could toss the steel chair in the ring for my chicken to whack the other one with.

Maybe I could teach my chicken the pile driver move that's so popular in wrestling today.

Then for my secret weapon. I'd spend weeks throwing corn at my chicken. Everytime he tries to eat it, I'd give him a shock with a lamp cord. Well sir, that chicken would learn quick that corn ain't for eating. When I had him full trained I'd enter him in his first match. Then when it starts I'd throw corn in the ring. While the other chicken pecks at the corn, my chicken (Having had a bad experience with corn) would attack the other foolishly eating chicken. This might be flawed though, as it has been brought to my attention that this plan would probably make my rooster fear corn. If this is true then when I toss the corn in, my rooster is likely to flee the ring in fear of being shocked.

If all else fails I'm gonna get me a real mean cat. I'm gonna glue feathers on him and strap a beak to his face. Then I'll enter my funny looking chicken in the rooster fights. I'm bound to win with superior thinking like this.

The only problem I see is:

How do you teach a chicken to trash talk before the big match? You know, where the wrestlers blab about what their going to do to their opponent. Most likely my chicken would just stand there and say something foolish like Bok Bok Ba Gawwwwwk, then poop on himself. This just doesn't see to be very intimidating to me.

You know with stuff like this making the news, Union County may get on the map yet.

I'll leave you with quotes from two famous men:

Their finger lickin good! - Colonel Sanders (1968)

This here's the bok bok! - Swedish Chef on the Muppet Show last night.

Oh Good grief, we're in the news again. Oh well, at least none of our elected officials were involved in the scandal. But you know, I haven't seen the film yet. Maybe they are, I wouldn't be surprised.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.