This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Umm Spam

I hate Spam! No, not the Hormel meat by-product, I like that stuff. Many of my friends eat Spam. Most of them have died of coronary attacks, but I'm sure it's not related.

No, I am talking about the spam we all endure as the price for having an e-mail account. A kid asked me the other day how much e-mail I get by owning several domains. I told him quite honestly, about 300 a day. He was really impressed! I didn't have the heart to tell him 200 were spam.

Not a single day goes by, that I don't get some weird e-mail telling me I could be a bazillionaire by the time I'm 30 by doing absolutely nothing. Odd, that they know I have the potential to make money yet have overlooked the fact I'm already 35.

The government recently passed a law that was directed at stopping spam. It wasn't worth the $3 worth of paper it was written on. Did it stop spam? No! Now every spam letter I get, starts off with the sentence..."This is not spam."

Rest assured, if you open an e-mail and the first line says, "this is not spam," it's spam. Somehow this single line disclaimer absolves all the sin from sending me this crap letter.

I got one the other day that promised if I would sign up with this new long distance service, the company would somehow buy me a new car. Wow, all AT&T gave me was a refrigerator magnet. Now, let's take bets, I could sign up with this company or I could just send them a check for every cent in my bank account right off the bat. Would the result be any different either way? Probably not.

Back in the days when people sold snake oil cures for the common diseases, people got taken. It's not as bad as today though. At least back then people got a bottle of whiskey labeled "Uncle Wino's Magic Elixir." Today we just get a report from our bank that some company in Ethiopia just depleted our checking accounts.

Then, there is always the famous one titled, "Find out about anyone." This spam promises that if I send them $35 and download their software I can find out what the government knows about people. Then the last line is the ominous "FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT YOU." Well, if this company really knew anything about me, they'd know I don't give a rat's behind about what people think about me. And one of these days, if I ever decide to find out, all I have to do is run for office and let the news media tell me what sort of person I am.

A company sent me one the other day that said I can accept credit cards. Well hey, that sounded pretty good so I did it. I went down to the Walmart parking lot and started asking people for their credit cards. Yeah, I can accept them allright, but that doesn't mean anyone is going to give me their's. I explained to everyone that an e-mail told me I could accept them, but the only person that listened was the policeman. Then he whacked me with something and the next thing I knew my wife was bailing me out of jail again.

How about the one I got this morning? This is the one that sent me over the edge and made me write this. This piece of e-mail artwork promised that if I sent this moron money, he would reveal to me the secrets of bulk e-mail advertising. I got spammed by someone promising to teach me how to spam others. Now, this got me to thinking, maybe I can make some money doing this. I have prepared my own spam and I will be sending it to every e-mail address I can find. Here is what I came up with:

Subject: Make Gobs of Money
From: gobsomoney@maynardville.com

Yes folks, take it from someone who has done it, you too can make gobs of money sitting in a chair staring at a computer screen all day. This message will only be sent to you once so act now!

(Chip's Note: See, now that paragraph has my loophole in it. All good spam has a loophole. While yes, I will only send it to this rube once, I won't mention to him I am sending it to thousands of other people too.)

You can make $100, $500 or even a gazillion dollars a week, doing no more than surfing the Internet, scratching yourself and drinking coffee. All of this from the privacy of your own home.

(Chip's Note: Here we have my true work of art. I figure anyone that would fall for this, is probably doing that every day anyway. He'll say to himself, and probably his wife, "man, that's what I do anyway and they say I can get paid for it...sign me up!")

Just send $35 to Chip, P.O. Box 363 Maynardville, Tn and we'll ship you out a fact sheet to get you started on this lucrative career!

(Chip's final note: If anyone is actually stupid enough to send me money, I will indeed send them a paper revealing the secrets of making money while surfing the Internet and scratching themselves. Simply put the letter will say, find some way to get idiots to mail you $35 for nothing.)

Well, that's my plan, what do you think? I'll let you know how it goes next week. Right now I have to pass this e-mail I got along to seven other people. It says if I don't pass it along in the next 24 hours I'm going to get leprosy, sprain my ankle and get trampled by a buffalo in the next week. On the other hand if I do pass it along I will get money within the next month. It says right here a guy in Arkansas won the lottery after passing this letter along. As much as I've always wanted to see a buffalo, I need that lottery money.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.