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The Love Virus

Ahh, the Love Virus! Can't ever get too many virus (viri? whatever's plural). I am the administrator of several websites and a server. Virus warnings are of no short supply to me. I average several each week, and most often they are indeed hoaxes. I cross reference each warning through Datafellows and McAffee.

So Wednesday when I got the warning that "The Love Virus" was coming I was intrigued! A virus with such a meaningful name! How can anything named The Love Virus be bad?

Shoot, I spent all Thursday waiting on it to get to me. I figured the love virus was my only chance to get an e-mail from anyone titled "I Love You." Maynardville.Com generates tons of mail for me, but in three years not a single piece has been titled "I Love You."  This was my big chance! For once I would be appreciated! So what if it was by some 14 year old computer geek with no better life than to sit around writing viruses.

Alas, I am still not loved. As of Friday I still hadn't received any mail titled I love you. What does it take?

So I got to thinking about all this. Here's Chip trying to provide a community service and not getting exactly rich. I have to pay for my advertisement. But on the other hand this 14 year old kid in the Phillipines is on every news broadcast in America...For free! So, I have made a career decision, I will begin writing viruses! I've thought about it for a long time, lets see I plugged in the coffee maker at 10:00am it's now 10:15am, take away the time I flipped through the channels on the tv, minus the time I spent chasing the cat with my water pistol... Yessir! I spent nearly two minutes thinking about it!

So now, I'm going to have to think of a good catchy title for my virus. It has to be something meaningful, yet so easily pronounced that even the idiots at our local TV stations can get it right on the news tonight.

  • "I hate you virus"
    This is my favorite title, but then again I send out enough regular e-mails titled that. Plus, I'd have a hard time knowing if someone was sending my virus back to me, or if it was just a local person showing their intelligence.
  • "EBay Virus"
    People would want it, but there would be twelve other people trying to get it first."
  • "Microsoft Virus"
    Everyone would have it, but it wouldn't work. To make it work people would have to send off for an update. Or they can wait until next year when the new improved virus will come out."
  • "Husband Virus"
    This virus will promise to screw up your computer tomorrow right after the ballgame.
  • "Wife Virus"
    Causes your computer to nag you every five minutes about taking out the garbage.
  • "Ex-Girlfriend Virus"
    Conflicts with the wife virus.
  • "Children Virus"
    Embarrasses you by telling your secrets to other computers. Plus it asks you for money every night to get rid of it.
  • "Spelling Virus"
    Screws up your spelling in every e-mail you send. Wait, I think I've already got that one.
  • "Police Virus"
    Feels threatened by other files on your hard drive and beats the crap out of them in self defense.
  • "Adam and Eve Virus"
    It's only work on Apple Computers.
  • "Airline Virus"
    Everytime you send an e-mail the title arrives but your text is sent somewhere else.
  • "AT&T Virus"
    Charges you five dollars a month whether you use your computer or not.
  • "MCI Virus"
    Calls you every night at dinnertime to remind you that the AT&T virus is charging you five dollars a month.
  • "Government Virus"
    Takes over your computer and explains that it can run it more efficiently. Then it takes your money in the name of education, using the money to buy more school computers thereby propagating itself.
  • "Government Virus 2"
    Divides your screen into 100 different pieces. None of the pieces actually do anything, but each claims to be the most important part of your computer. Each piece then blames the other pieces for your computer not functioning.
  • "Freud Virus"
    Makes your computer do evil things, and when you take it to the shop explains to the technician that it hates it's motherboard.
  • "Economist Virus"
    You lose applications and nothing on your computer will work, but the economist virus assures you that everyone elses's computer is working, it must just be you.
  • "Doctor Virus"
    Runs tests on your computer to determine if you have a virus. It will then tell you that your computer is fine and print out a bill for three grand.
  • "O.J. Virus"
    Claims to have not damaged your computer and vows to spend it's life hunting the virus that did.
  • "Public Broadcasting Virus"
    Only activates once a year and is really interesting. However once it gets you interested it stops and asks you for money, otherwise it can't come back next year.
  • "Alzheimers Virus"
    This virus could save your files, but later forget where it put them. Then when you're not looking you will find your computer wandering the Information Super Highway.
  • "Ross Perot Virus"
    This virus could be my most annoying! It would run a while and quit, run a while and quit. Then right before the whole system crashes it pulls out.
  • "Salma Heyak Virus"
    Has no real purpose on it's own but it's fun to look at.

Nah, I don't think I want to write viruses. What good would it do me just to take up people's computer space and waste their time? Wait isn't that what I just did to you with this article?

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