This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Sam's Enigma

Years ago, before the invention of the wheel when I was in school we were taught that science was looking for a mathematical enigma. A problem that couldn't be solved or if it was, would prove modern mathematics wrong. Oh, there were different names for it, but that was the gist.

I read an article a couple of weeks ago where this guy in Canada says he found the long sought after enigma. A mathematical problem that couldn't be solved. Well, I hate to burst his bubble but the answer is two.

Now, on the other hand I believe I have found the mathematical enigma. I didn't find it with a slide rule or even a piece of paper. I found it watching shoppers right here in Knoxville. The enigma?

Figuring out how anyone that shops at Sam's Wholesale actually saves money.

Now wait, don't get me wrong, I'm a card carrying member of the establishment myself. How else could I purchase 40 pounds of hot wings each year to fill my freezer? That's why I go, to buy hot wings. But I see these people buying truckloads of groceries and claiming they save money. I believe these are the very same people who buy lottery tickets.

I first found Sam's right before the Y2K scare. In my search for huge quantities of food to stockpile I found this place. Here you can buy 80 pound bags of beans and Campbell's soup by the case. It's odd that this store seems to cater to the survivalist, yet doesn't sell guns or ammunition. Now tell me, what good does it do me to stockpile food in huge quantities if I can't defend it with deadly force? My house will just become a warehouse for all my neighbors. When they get hungry they'll just come in whack me in the head and take my cases of Cream of Mushroom soup. Luckily, K-marts took care of my firepower needs.

But enough of my apocalyptic paranoid delusions let's get back to the point. Does Sam's actually save anyone money? Yes! In fact they'll save you money until you go broke. True Campbell's Soup is 19 cents cheaper a can there, but you have to buy 300 cans at a time. Now, I like Campbell's Soup as well as the next person, but there is only so much Alphabet soup I can eat in a lifetime. There are more letters in 300 cans of Alphabet soup than in the Webster's Dictionary.

I am certain that in the end you will come out ahead by buying in bulk, but here is the catch. You'll have to live to be 120 before you realize the savings. It's going to take you that long to eat all the food you bought. And shoot, long before then, all those alphabet noodles will have clogged your arteries. I can see me at the emergency room begging a doctor to stop my coronary. "Please doc you've got to save me...Sam's is having a sale on ketchup by the gallon!"

Now, there is a normal grocery store on every corner these days. True, they're way more expensive than Sam's but they figure you'll pay more for convenience. The idiot that thought that up has never seen the lines at Sam's. True Sam's is a long way from our houses but we still drive there. There is a direct relation in distance driven to money saved. Just look at all the people that drive to the Outlet Malls in Pigeon Forge each Christmas. By this line of thinking, groceries at the South Pole must be free.

But the odd thing to me is how we change in life. When I was a kid and went to Hensley's IGA the biggest thing to me was whether I would get a candy bar. I had no idea if candy bars were cheaper at Krogers, I just wanted a candy bar. Yet the other day I stood at Sam's where they had cases of Snickers Bars (I'm sure cheaper than anywhere else) and I didn't buy the first one.

I guess you just change and get wiser as you mature. Well, that's about it for now. I guess I better eat my hourly can of Campbell's Soup to make room in the cabinet for the 40 boxes of rice we bought today.

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