This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Valen-Time

It's that time again, time for idiots to absolve themselves for a year of sin by running down to Rite-Aid and purchasing a box of chocolates. Nothing makes up for a year's worth of farting, belching and other rudeness like a box of Whittman Samplers.

Personally, I think if people really care about you, there are better ways of showing it than 99 cents at Hallmark and $3.50 at Revco for a cardboard box full of fat cholesterol laden chocolates. Sure, maybe he buys you flowers, does that really make up for last September? Did he actually go to the trouble to pick these flowers? No, he bought the roses at Krogers for $5.99. No big hassle in that, unless you count the time standing in line behind all the other moron husbands. Shoot, Krogers even cuts the thorns off because they know the average Valentines Day husband is much too stupid to drive with sharp objects in his car.

Then, we have all the commercials and signs showing this Cupid guy. What sort of nonsense is this? Am I actually to believe that some kid wearing a diaper is sneaking around town shooting people with love arrows? Most kids I know sneak around town with guns. And when they shoot you, it has nothing to do with love, they just want your wallet. Something about the thoughts of Cupid just gives me the creeps.

Back when I was in highschool we had this thing where sweethearts were supposed to buy cardboard hearts for their loved ones. On these hearts would be written Joe loves Wilma (fit your names in here), and they would be displayed in the hall for a week. I admit I always got one for my girlfriend. I admit one year I even bought two, hoping not to get caught by either girl. Did any of my girlfriends ever buy me one? NO! The only year I ever got one was when my best friend Ted bought one that said, "Chip loves Keith." While I appreciated the sentiment, and Keith was a good friend...trust me I'm not that type.

And every year I had to buy my girlfriend flowers. Not only buy them but have them sent to school. Dot Davis (Flowers By Dot) made a small fortune off of me through my school years. I knew very well that if my girlfriend didn't get flowers when all her friends did, I was in the doghouse. Fine, I sent flowers too. That's $5 for a cardboard heart, and $30 for a bunch of flowers.

Every Valentines Day, my highschool looked like a bizarre funeral with all the carnation arrangements floating around. Giggling girls everywhere. When the florist would pull up to the door all the 16 year old girls would crowd around like starving Ethiopian kids chasing Sally Struthers.

But I don't understand it, really I don't. What is inside of us that makes us think that someone wants a box shaped like a heart, full of candy? Does anyone actually want an organ shaped gift? No, but it's our obligation to buy it. We see it on the shelf and something says, "I gotta buy that for my wife."

When you care enough you send a Hallmark. And when you say..."Look honey I fulfilled my obligation to buy you a fuzzy cardboard heart filled with fat laden chocolates," you know it's Valentines Day.

Men, listen to me it's time we stood up for ourselves. It's time we quit listening to Hallmark and said enough is enough. It's time we wait on our wives to get home on Valentines Day and stand up for ourselves like men. We tell our women..."Woman, I ain't a buyin' you no box of chocolates this year!"

Then we hug them, smooch them, and let them sit on the couch all night in their underwear while we fix dinner, clean the house, do laundry, etc. Basically, we take Valentines Day and use it to show them just how good they make it for us men the other 364 days of the year.

Chip's Note: This article is dedicated to my wife, whom makes my life easier and puts up with me making her out to be mean in my articles. Happy Valentines Day Buddy.

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