This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Bad Dad

My wife informed me at 7:00am Christmas morning that we were going to have a child. I said, "yeah I'd like to have a kid one day." She wasn't talking in the abstract sense and informed me that in eight months we would be having a kid.

Don't remember much after that, my wife took my picture laying there in the floor. Good wives call 911 or at least get some smelling salts when their husband passes out...mine got a camera.

She says her symptoms are being sick in the morning, irritability, increased appetite and swelling. I had all those symptoms once and the doctor told me it was gas. I've been trying to get her to take a Rolaid, but she's dead sure it's a pregnancy. Rotten test and doctor agree with her.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy about this, I just never figured I was dad material. Shoot, I can't even decide what I want to be when I grow up, how the whiz am I going to be a dad? My biggest fear is that I'll influence this kid with some of my ideas.

I worry how this will effect my life. I like going over to the ACE Hardware in Maynardville to buy things. As any man does, when I go in, I have to look at the tools. My wife says this won't change anything, I can still go to the hardware. COOL! Then she buys this Loony Toones diaper bag. It's big, blue and has cartoon characters all over it. Now, how in the heck can I stand in the Ace Hardware and look macho carrying something like this?

But honestly I have definite ideas about raising a kid. I guess if I get my preference, I want a little girl. Seems to me little girls would be easy to raise. If I have a little boy I have to spend 18 years teaching him how to be a man. I'm 35 and still haven't figured out all the rules. But if it's a little girl, my wife has to teach it to be a lady. All I have to do is wait until it's a teenager and make an example out of the first boy that comes to take her out. I figure I'll hang him from my front porch as a warning to all other hormonal boys.

My wife just told me I'm not allowed to kill people. I can't believe any jury would convict me, if I explained that this boy wanted to take my daughter out. But, she's usually right, so I'll have to be more creative. I'll be one of those dads that have a "Little" talk with the boy. I know most dads discuss plans and rules, but I think I'll say things like:

"I'm looking forward to showing you the shed out back...maybe if you get home late tonight we can go out there and have a look." That should encourage him to have my princess home on time.

If he still wants to take my daughter out, I may have to settle for putting a stop to the smooching. Maybe I could ask him, "Since you're going to be with her tonight, maybe you could talk to her about brushing her teeth every day."

My wife says I can't do either of those things. So I think I'll just ask her prospective date to borrow $50.

My wife says I have to go back in the little room when she has the kid. I don't understand why, what help could I be? I see these dad's on TV yelling push, push, breathe beside their wives. Are these things she really needs to be reminded to do? How many times are you just sitting around and realize, "hey I forgot to breathe"?

Now, as some of you know from a past article I wrote, I had a bad experience watching my wife have a mole removed. I had to have more medical assistance than she did that day. Felt like an idiot, my wife, right out of surgery having to drive me home. But somehow, she's sure I won't pass out for this. Yeah right! I don't see the need in me being in the delivery room fainting, taking up the time of the medical staff that should be attending my wife.

I guess becoming a dad is a learning experience though. The kid isn't even born yet and I'm already learning things that dads shouldn't do. Just yesterday when my wife was talking about maternity clothes I learned it isn't a good idea for dad to suggest we shop at the Camel Tent outlet. I swear a couple of months ago she would have seen the humor in that.

Loss of a sense of humor is one of the symptoms of pregnancy you won't see mentioned in books. But it's there! Tonight while my wife was mowing down a box of Vanilla Wafers I looked at her and remarked, "I thought you were just eating for two." Her sense of humor may be gone but her backhand has improved.

So I guess I'll have to become way more supportive of my wife. I figure when she gets big and really uptight about her weight, I'll walk behind her in a parking lot and say something nice like, "you don't even look pregnant from back here." How can I go wrong with suave lines like that?

I bought this book about being a dad. It tells me I should allow my child to explore with his own curiosity as his only guide. WHAT? Now listen, I'm not even a dad yet but if my kid wants to explore the knife drawer or the wet spot in the public restroom, I don't think I can take this book's advice. I know a doctor wrote it, but common sense tells me not to touch wet spots in public toilets.

Talking about dirty things, I'm going to have a hard time letting people touch my kid. I see all these people wanting to hold other people's kids. My wife says that's normal and I have to expect it. I do expect it but that doesn't mean I have to allow it.

Oh good grief, I know more about women than I know about kids. Rest assured, in the future as I learn more about fatherhood, I will share it here on these pages. This I do as a community service to all those other LOST "would be dads" out there.

But in the end, I will have to say, there is something alluring to having a little one in the house. My wife tells me it's about family and all that. To me baby in the house equals a free "get out of anything" card. Now, when her friends want us to go out to eat with them, I can say "no can do, the baby has been fussy today."

Wish me luck.

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