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Chip Brown.

$4.95 a Minute

The other day I woke up with all sorts of worries on my mind. Everything was going wrong and I began to wonder if things could get worse. There I sat on the couch eating the burnt Pop-Tart I had gotten stuck in the toaster when a commercial came on.

"Call Mama Bologna's phone psychic line, see what the world has in store for you!" Now I could find out if the rest of my life was worth living! Heck, it was a no lose situation, Mama Bologna told me that the first five minutes were free. What could be better? Find out what your life holds and for free to boot!

I called up the 900 number and after numerous clicks, I got a live psychic. Well, actually it sounded like some old bum whom I had just woken up to his day's hangover.

The first thing I did was inquire as to whether or not he was a real psychic. He assured me he was so I started asking questions as fast as I could. My new psychic friend stopped me and said he would need to know a little about me first.

He asked me questions about my life, my wife's name, my pet's name, my favorite TV show etc. I began to wonder, if he's a psychic shouldn't he be telling me all these things? Oddly, when I asked this question it was time for him to do my reading.

The first thing the psychic "SAW" was that I worked long hours at my job to get money for the things I want. Well, I guess even the best psychics miss one every now and then. First off, I don't have a job and when I need money I wait until my wife goes to bed and steal it from her purse. Odd he didn't see that, I guess I'm a better thief than I thought.

Then my psychic tells me "I see your money is taken as fast as you make it." Well, shoot now we were getting somewhere. My new psychic friend had just gotten his first prediction right. Fact is I can't seem to hold on to money. I'm not sure this was very hard to see though. I think this prediction is true for anyone who calls 900 numbers.

Then he tells me that I will be going to the zoo soon. He said he see's animals there. Wow, not only was he predicting that I would be going to a zoo soon, but he also knows before hand there will be animals there. He was good!

I guess it was about this time I realized I had exceeded my free five minutes. In fact I exceeded my free five minutes somewhere back there when he was asking "me" questions. I decided I better get off before my wife kills me for this phone bill.

As I said goodbye, he says he see's a woman from my past. Boy howdy, how could I quit now! Who was this woman? Well fifteen minutes later I still hadn't figured out who this woman might be, although the psychic assured me she had a "C" in her name. Just didn't ring a bell.

So, after 23 minutes, I had spent $99.00 in phone charges to find out I have to spend the rest of my life paranoid about women I know with a C in their names. Luckily I could see my future more clearly than this psychic. I'll tell you, if this "C" named woman is going to show up in my life she better hurry. I see in my future getting a $99.00 phone bill. Shortly thereafter I see my wife killing me.

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