This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Lock Me Up

I've been thinking again. I do some of my best work when I put the old brain in neutral and just let it coast. However, sometimes I come up with good ideas even when my brain is awake. Today is one of those days.

Today, I have decided on my calling in life again. Garbage man didn't work, politician didn't cut it, nothing I've tried so far seems to fit me. So today, I have decided I want to be...a felon!

I have decided I want to go to prison. I've been watching the Big House documentary on The Learning Channel. It seems this may be right up my alley. I get a room to myself, I don't have to interact with people, nobody cares if I take a bath or not! I can't believe I haven't thought of this before!

Oh, I hear you all saying, I'm an idiot, but let me tell you, being incarcerated is little different than your office job. Sure, most of my day will be spent in an 8' by 10' cell. Ever measured that cubicle you work in? You spend most of your day in a cubicle smaller than my cell and they make you work. I get to just lay around eat and poop.

In prison I would get three meals a day! What do you get on that job of your's? One meal a day and you have to pay for it. My meals are furnished by the government.

In my cell I can watch TV and play videogames all day long if I want. You try doing that in your office cubicle and you'll get fired. Much less listen to music or read dirty magazines. I've been fired for all those things.

I understand that every cell in prison has it's own toilet! No lines, no waiting. Now, how many times have you left your cubicle, walked down the hall only to find the office bathroom occupied. While the government furnishes prisoners their own private toilet, you have to share your's with co-workers. And remember when share a toilet with a co-worker, you're sharing that toilet with everyone your co-worker has shared a toilet with.

In prison, you don't have to worry about your family calling you to borrow money and stuff. When you work at a job everyone knows where you're at several hours every day. They can find you, ask for favors and to borrow money. In prison they would only allow me one call a week and a single visit a month. All the freeloading family would have to find someone else to mooch off of.

Yep. prison is the life for me. All my expenses will be paid for life. Life, if I do something bad enough anyway. The way my luck runs I'll only get five to ten. Or worse, some bleeding heart judge will give me probation. But while all my expenses are paid by the government, you have to pay your expenses of getting to and from work. And each week when you get your paycheck you'll notice they've deducted a few dollars from it so the government can pay my expenses. How else can they afford to let me lay around watching TV all day.

I guess one of the downsides of being in prison is you have to do what you're told. You get some sadistic warden that's just bent on making your life miserable. They make an example of you, so they can keep all the other prisoner's in line. But then again, this isn't very different than an office manager is it?

Yep, as soon as I come up with a plan I'm going to commit me one of those crimes. I'm too chicken hearted to murder people. I'm too small to assault anyone. Most liquor stores have guns and half lit employees, so armed robbery is out. You know, getting into prison is hard work. It must be a really cool place. I guess that's why everyone they let out tries their best to go back.

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