This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

Stamp out the Rain Forest?

Now listen, don't start writing me about this. I know sometimes my ideas are, well, off the wall. I still think my Lake Monster idea was sound. But a lady on TV the other night asked me to help save the rain forest. Well I was all ready to pitch in and do my part but then...

You see, I research everything, and I think the rainforest is simply a bad investment. I watched this lady tell me how loggers are cutting down the rain forest at an alarming rate. Sure that bothers me, but then again I have a bit of common sense.

After the lady asked me to send her five dollars, I switched over to the Discovery Channel. Right there, in front of my eyes, was a special on the rain forest. Now what this lady failed to tell me about the rain forest is enough to make me keep my five dollars.

It's out in the middle of nowhere to start with. All these loggers have bulldozers and chainsaws. They all seem to be big burly men. If I send this lady five dollars she is going to put these big burly men out of work. I am quite certain that these big burly loggers are going to want to see who caused all this. I don't want them to find my name on a check and come to see me.

I watch Cops on Fox enough to know that big burly men out of work sit around drinking beer all day, and spend their nights beating people up. After all TV wouldn't lie to me would it?

But then, on Discovery, we find that the rain forest is laden with huge bugs. Bugs big enough to carry off your dog! The biggest bug I want to see in my yard is those Tennessee vampires we call mosquitos. Some of the bugs in the rainforest are poisonous. I don't want someone at my funeral saying "you should have see the fly that did ol' Chip in."

There are snakes in the rainforest bigger that light poles. There are plants that can kill you just by touching them! Gee whiz, I thought kudzu was bad, but it's never tried to murder me!

They have fish down there in that rainforest that eat people! Now when someone tells me that fish are biting, I want it to be a good thing! I can't imagine someone yelling fish are biting and seeing everyone run away from the lake! That's just not the natural order of things. People eat fish, it shouldn't be the other way around!

Now tell me this, if the rain forest is so big and beautiful, how come you don't see any subdivisions there? How come there are no resorts? You'd think there would be at least a good sized trailer park!

No sir, I say stamp out that rain forest before it gets to America! I'm sure it's right behind those killer bees that are supposed to be here at any time. Kill those plants, before they kill us! And I don't want any bugs, bigger than I can squash with a boot!

Now when I was a kid we called this place a jungle! It had snakes,  spiders, vines and crazy men swinging from the trees in loin cloths. Now we change the name to rainforest and try to make everyone think its a wonderful place, we would all be lucky to live in. This is the same sense as those who have changed the word swamp to wetlands. It makes more money that way. After all, it's a lot more needy sounding to say "save our wetlands" than it is to say "save our swamps."

Shoot, I'm going to change the name of the landfill to odorland. Then I'm going to start taking up money to save the endangered odorlands.

So, I'm all for stamping out the rainforest! If we don't you'll have nobody but yourself to blame for all the trees everywhere! When you run your car in a ditch and hit a tree, you'll wish you had joined me in my quest to stamp out the rain forest. If we don't, before long there will be trees littering all our backyards!

But Chip, where will all the little birdies live? Who cares? Birds have survived for thousands of years! Personally, I thinks birds should live in the letters on the front of Walmarts. I like to go to McDonald's, and get a Big Mac, and drive back to Walmart. I can sit in my car for hours and watch birds poop on pedestrians!

Some of you build birdhouses in your yards for birds. I tried that once, but soon gave it up. Those birds had no money, and nobody gets free rent from me! You think cavemen gave a hoot for birds? Shoot no, they chased them with clubs and ate them. Ate them raw too until some superior caveman burnt his bird first. This caveman demonstrated progress, maybe the first progress in history.

So I guess my point is, without progress we'd all be eating live birds! No wait, that's not my point. I'm not really sure I had a point. Ever notice how my editorials usually make no sense, yet somehow they seem oddly logical? I have a trashcan full of editorials that made too much sense. I have to totally not understand what I'm talking about to put one on my site.

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