This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Robble Robble

The phrase robble robble used to scare me to death as a kid. It's the noise the Hamburglar made when he stole hamburgers on McDonald's commercials. Mom and dad would take me to McDonald's as a treat and I'd sit there in Holy terror that some creepy faced guy in a black and white striped suit would try to take my kid's meal.

It wasn't just the Hamburglar that scared me though, it was also the giant cheeseburger in a police suit that chased him. I can't believe anyone ever thought this was a good way to entice young kids to eat there.

Alas, the poor Hamburglar was fired the other day. No, I'm not kidding. No longer will he be featured in McDonald's commercials. Some idiot filed a lawsuit and won, saying the Hamburglar traumatized their kids. Now, there are two things I wish for here, first I wish I had thought to sue for being traumatized by the Hamburglar as a kid too. I thought all we could do was go to Burger King. I had no idea that everything that scared me somehow owed me money. My neighbor's dog owes me a fortune if this is true.

The other thing I wish, is that people realized that The Hamburglar, Ronald McDonald etc are not real people. They're actors in rubber suits. Not once has Ronald McDonald ever hurt anyone (unless you count cholesterol laden heart attacks). Not even that kid that stomped his foot at that birthday party. But I learned that day that there is something funny about a clown bouncing around on one foot cursing.

But as I grew up, last week I got over my fear of the Hamburglar and went back to McDonald's. I sat there reading my Happy Meal box wondering...Who would win in a fight between Grimace and the Hamburglar? I mean Grimace is big, but he can barely move. And that Hamburglar is fast, and mean, after all, I think he is an ex-con or something. Although, I have no idea what sort of prison allows one to wear a big floppy hat.

And why does he wear a mask if everyone knows who he is? He's the Hamburglar! Now, if you want the real mystery what is a Grimace? I think he's McDonald's rendition of a kidney after too many milkshakes.

But I'm afraid our childhood friend the Hamburglar is no more. I doubt he saved much money from his career stealing hamburgers as they're not big sellers on the black market. Most likely he won't be able to find work. After all he's too short for the NBA and too small for the NFL, who else hires criminals?

I figure the old Hamburglar will end up standing on a street corner holding a cardboard sign that reads "Will work for stolen hamburgers."

It's sad that our childhood memories are being taken from us by the greed of others. What's next, Grimace being run down in the street by a purple dinosaur in a Buick singing the "I Love You You Love Me" song?

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.