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Chip Brown.

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I'm Lost

Ever had one of those simple things that just pops into your head while watching TV that causes you to just loose faith in your movie? I was watching Superman a few minutes ago (the 50's version) and something bothered me. This guy was shooting at Superman and the bullets were just bouncing off his chest. Then finally, click click click he was out of bullets. In a last desperate attempt to escape, he threw the gun at Superman. Superman, being as quick as he is, easily ducked the gun...Wait a minute, he stands there and lets the guy shoot him, but ducks when he throws the gun? What sort of stupidity is this?

But the more I think about it the more of these sort of things I can dream up. Like the other night watching James Bond he used an inkpen that wrote in invisible ink. I remember saying, "boy I wish I had me one of those." Then I remember wondering, how would you know when your pen ran out of ink? I might write a note to save the world and mail it off, and the world would be doomed because my invisible inkpen was empty.

It's things like this that keep me from enjoying movies. Once I get to thinking about something like this my mind wanders off to play in a field by itself. I have no idea how 90% of the movies I watch end.

Back when I was in school, Keith laughed so hard one day, milk came out of his nose. No matter how hard I try, I can't duplicate this feat. But I remember wondering that day, do cows have this problem? I noticed most all cows seem to be frowning. I figured it was because they knew their ultimate fate. But maybe they're afraid to laugh, maybe if they did milk would run out of their noses.

Last Spring the wind blew down a bunch of trees in my yard. I turned the damage into my insurance company (State Farm) who told me it was an act of God and therefore I couldn't collect. What do they tell Aethiests? Sure I believe in God, but Aethiests don't. That would be sort of like telling me, "We're sorry, we can't pay for your tree damage because the Tooth Fairy did it."

And while I'm on a rant, why does my Quasar VCR remote have an eject button on it? Why in the world would I need to eject a movie from my couch. Does one not have to walk over to the VCR to retrieve the tape? Maybe I could tape a pair of pliers on the end of a broomstick and save myself a few steps.

When I was a little kid I was pestering my neighbor's dog. I blew in his face and he bit me. Apparently dogs don't like people blowing in their faces. Yet I see these same dogs riding down the road in cars with their heads out the window.

Remember back in the 90's how it was very vogue to be involved in a self help group? All the news media gave numbers to self help groups if you had such and such an affliction and needed help. Doesn't the phrase "Self Help" and group contradict each other?

I remember as a kid when they first put up those yellow signs that say "Deer Xing". You know the yellow signs with a deer on them to tell you where deer may cross the road. I always wondered, how did they know that deer would be crossing right there where they put those signs? I still wonder that today.

Then the other day this phone psychic was on TV advertising what she could help you with. Relationships, career decisions and such. The last thing on the list was lottery numbers. If phone psychics are so good with lottery numbers why do they need my $4.95 a minute. I called one to find out. Now I've spent $4.95 to get myself cursed by an Iranian Gypsy.

Two of the things that I'm told are a constant in life is that buttered bread will always fall in the floor buttered side down. I am also told that if they fall, a cat will only land on it's feet. For years I've wanted to butter my cat's back but my wife won't let me.

I have another one here but I can't remember how to spell the word it starts with. Let me get my dictionary, that's what teachers say to do when you can't spell a word. Wait a minute, how can I look the word up if I can't spell it?

I'm confused now, I'm going to bed.

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