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Chip Brown.

Yo Mama's Word

I have no idea what that title means, but it's all stuff I picked up trying to understand rap music. Much like my parents told me about Ozzy Ozborne and Metallica, I just can't understand a word they're saying.

So I caught this kid sitting in his mother's car listening to rap music while his mom was in the grocery store. I walked over to his car, which was going boom boom boom and the engine wasn't even running. I pecked on his window and he rolled it down.

My question to him was simply, "do you have any idea what they're saying?"

Now this revealed the difference in myself growing up with Ozzy and kids today listening to guys who call themselves Big Notorious Puff Mama. When I listened to Ozzy, I understood the words. I'm not saying I understood them the first time I heard them, but I could at least figure it out.

Now this kid showed me the CD cover which had the lyrics on it. I jest you not, the lyrics were full of question marks. Even the producers of this CD had no idea what the (for lack of a better term) singer was saying.

I watched the New Year's bash this year on ABC where they had all these bands come out and sing. Personally, I was interested, as any red blooded American Male is, to see Susanna Huff. But the first act was this Rap band who came out jumped around for five minutes chanting "Get your hands up." Just pranced around on stage clapping his hands screaming "Get your hands up." As I began to think about how easy it would be to learn the words to this song...get your hands up, I realized this was a phrase that came from this generation's culture. Although I suspect usually, it's followed by..."This is a stickup."

Then after he jumped around for five minutes screaming get your hands up, he was interviewed by the idiot that was hosting the show. I'm glad all the words to his song were simple, because I couldn't understand a single word he said in his interview. Every sentence ended in "word." Such as..."I went to the store, word."

What the dickens did that mean? So I went in search of the meaning of, "word." I was amazed to find that the University of California had done a study of this and is putting together a Rap dictionary. Word in the rap lingo seems to mean, "For Real."

Now they list an alternate meaning in that "Word" can also mean news. They actually use the next sentence to illustrate this:

Yo, word is born Shamee jus got bust in the head two times. Which they say means: I just got the news someone named Shamee just got shot twice in the head.

So what is my point in all of this? When I was a kid if one of my songs had a dirty word I tried not to play it loud in the house in fear my mom would toss the album out the window. I see kids riding around with their moms listening to songs about shooting, robbing and sex. Their mom is just sitting there in the car with a big grin. Why? Because she has no idea what those lyrics are saying.

Now, why are kids getting dumber these days? Music I tell you. If rap makes them violent, country makes them dumb as a tub of lard. Clamp your nose shut with a clothespin strum a guitar like you know how to play, get a half naked girl to gyrate on a tractor, wear a cowboy hat to cover your bald head and you've got the makings of a country video. Put this on a tape or CD and watch the yokels buy it.

Yes if Rap makes kids shoot people, country makes them divorce their sisters. Now, I maintain a website that promotes music. On it we have a Lyric search engine that generates the lyrics to most songs available today. I did a short search of country songs and found the following lines...no I didn't make these up:

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Now what woman in her right mind wouldn't want to hear this from her husband?
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
Kind of makes it sound like she takes food stamps doesn't it?
And There Was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On
Not a pretty picture is it?
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Wonder if her feet smelled too?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
It costs me $19.95 to get my oil changed.
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
This must be one of those romantic country songs.
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
Sometimes it's hard to tell true love from a case of gas.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I have no idea what the heck this one means.
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
Luckily we only have chicken fights around here.
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
Such prose and poetry wasted on Country Music, Shakespeare would be in awe.
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
Must be the guy that changed her oil.
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
God drives a Greyhound bus?
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
I have a vision of Charles Manson doing a Clearasil commercial.
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
Sounds like a pain in the butt to me.
You're the reason our kids are so ugly.
Couldn't be because he married his cousin.

People look at books before they buy them for a child, yet buy CD's blindly having no idea what they say. Would you buy a book for your son with nudy pictures in it, because it was written in French. Sure your son could tell you it's a textbook of anatomy, but I think it's best if you get someone to translate it for you.

So when you look around and your kid is 40, still living at home and makes his money from welfare and occasionally robbing liquor stores, don't blame the government. Blame all those Country and Rap CD's you bought him.

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