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Chip Brown.

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Kara-Dokey

As most of you can probably guess I spend many sleepless nights. No, my conscience doesn't bother me, it's simply because I fell asleep on the couch watching reruns of Senfeld. It's sort of hard to go to sleep immediately following a three hour nap.

So I watch a lot of late night television. One of my favorite shows comes on Saturday nights on channel 43. It's called Karaoke Cafe. It's a local show from Knoxville (actually Seymore). It's filmed live and all these nuts and yokels get up and try to sing their favorite songs.

Now, some of us write articles to demonstrate to the world just how ignorant we are. Those less literate go to a karaoke bar and show the world in song. I intend to do both. Yes folks, I might just be conned into making an appearance on TV. For $100 I will go down there and sing any song you like. All you readers have to do is send me some money. Once the $100 level  of donations is attained, I will make my way to the Karoke Cafe and belt out the tune of your choice. You may attend the live event if you like. And we will vote here on this website what song you make me sing. I don't care if it's a Conway Jones or a N-sync tune, I will butcher any song you like for money. Now don't get the wrong idea, this isn't for charity, if you send me money it will go straight in my pocket. I'm sure not going to make a fool of myself and then give the money away.

Now, why am I making this offer? To demonstrate my motivation for doing such a thing. I'll do anything for $100, that's just my nature. But I watch this show every Saturday night and am in awe that these folks are paying this place to let them make butts of themselves in front of an audience.

I think there should be some rules before one is allowed to commit social suicide by getting on TV and trying to sing. It would save many people the embarrassment upon going back to work on Monday. Also I would like to make a note to all the 13 year old boys that appear on this show. First off, please remember that you have to go back to school after your appearance. Please remember that girls will not throw themselves at you just because you got on TV and tried to sing an N-Sync song. Remember, these N-Sync guys are professionals and even though they can sing no better than the average karaoke participant, they have money behind them. Girls throw themselves at money not at songs. So you have a better chance holding up a liquor store than getting girls singing karaoke. When you get back to school after embarrassing yourself on this show, girls will still shun you and your friends will just beat you up for being an idiot.

Now, to protect adults from similar social tragedies I propose that karoke bars should be forced to test each perspective participant for some concept of the idea of rythym. If the moron can't pat their foot three times in a row without having to start over, they should not be allowed on stage.

I know that common sense says if you don't know a song don't try to sing it. This is a rule that's lost on karaoke singers. It's not important that the participant actually know the words to the song they're trying to sing, as they're displayed on a monitor in front of the stage. Might help if the Karaoke place tested their reading skills though. There was a guy on the other night who sounded like Frankenstein. He didn't know the words and either couldn't see or couldn't read the monitor. I have no idea what he was singing but it came out like...Uhhhhh....ooooo..... omm mmm....baaaay. Now, if anyone can identify this song from that line please write me.

Maybe the participant should be screened to see if they can tell the difference between singing, screaming and a dying cat. I turned off the lights and had my wife scream I couldn't tell the difference between her scream and the noise from the Karaoke show on TV. Nor could I tell the difference between the show and my cat squaling when my wife stepped on his tail in the darkened room. My cat sort of sounded like that N-Sync thing.

And the individual should never be allowed to choose their own song. A test should be given to see how many notes the imbecile can identify. If they only recognize one note they should be limited in their choices to a Rap song. If they know absolutely no note, they should select a song from the Country charts.

Now, finally I think the police should become involved in Karaoke. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of those singing on stage are soundly drunk. The police should be outside with a breathalizer and test every performer. Those failing the test should be determined drunk and placed in a room where a tape of their performance is played continuously for two days. This would both cure their urge to drink and to sing karaoke. I have never seen a drunk admit on the next day that he was drunk the night before. Alcoholics anonymous says that the first step to beating alcohol is to admit you have a problem. Upon listening to a tape of one's warbling onstage, how could anyone deny that they were dogfaced drunk?

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