This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Resolve This!

Well, over the Christmas holidays I had a lot of time to think. I also had a lot of time to eat. I just sat here for two weeks thinking and eating, as such I've put on a couple of extra pounds. But, I thought a lot about my life and what I was doing wrong. How I could make myself and those around me happier in the coming year. I realize that people make resolutions at the beginning of every year about how they intend to be a better person. I decided I'd do me some of that resolving stuff.

So I sat there on Christmas Eve and wondered how others thought of me. Do they find me a nice charming person? Or do they see the real me? Mean spirited, sharp tongued, sarcastic, and somewhat disrespectful of other's feelings? While I hope for the first, I have little doubt it's most likely the latter.

So we went to see a movie right after Christmas called "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" staring Jim Carey. A good movie, if you can believe that there is a town full of nice who people out there in the real world...not likely. But as I sat there gobbling my popcorn and complaining about the big haired lady in front of me I came to a realization...I am a Grinch! Well, I'm not green and furry, but I mean in attitude.

I often sit in my house and watch my neighbors down the hill and get more and more angry over the Christmas cheer they exhibit each year. What is there to be so cheery about? It's the only time of year I'm forced to buy presents for people I can't normally stand to be around. Who thought this tradition up? Walmart?

I'm all for celebrating Christmas and the birth of Jesus, but who says I can't do that on July 12th? And who says because I'm happy Jesus was born, that I have to buy my creepy uncle Bob a gift?

And also like the Grinch, I have often fantasized about breaking into my neighbor's homes and stealing their gifts. My wife refuses to buy me one of those Chia Pets and this may be my only chance to get one.

But back to my thoughts. I began to wonder if I get run down by a milk truck tomorrow what will be the legacy I leave behind? A bunch of sarcastic articles about my life in a small town in Tennessee. Is this what I want people to remember about me? "That boy sure wrote some crazy stuff...glad that milk truck got him."

NO! I want the world to remember me for the fine charitable acts I do. So from this point forward I intend to be a kindler gentler Chip. No more sarcastic articles about our County Court. I will only write articles about the things they do right. If this means I'm limited to one article every three years then so be it. No more calling people imbeciles and morons! I can't believe I was ever that rude. Now, when I see an imbecile or moron I will donate a dollar to some charity devoted to ridding our midst of idiots and morons!

But I guess none of this actually helps those I have already offended. I guess I should apologize to them. So to Mrs. Barker let me say, it was I that left that flaming bag of poop on your porch. Yes, a thirty five year old man should have known better, but after all, I was just returning your dog's possessions he had left in my yard. I had no idea your dog would try to carry off the flaming bag. When you looked out your window I was not kicking your dog, but merely trying to put him out. (Humane Society note: Do not write Chip, the dog bit him requiring stitches he has learned his lesson)

So, to be a "kindler gentler Chip," was the very first resolution I made for the year 2001. The second resolution I made? To try to tell more lies in every article I write. Especially about being a kindler gentler Chip.

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