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If I Ruled The Galaxy

First, let me say that it is articles such as this one that insures I will never run for political office. I can see my opponent dragging this or "Lake Monster" out and saying, "Look what a nut this boy is, he wrote this." -Chip

I have decided that should I attain the position of Evil Ruler of the Universe, I shall not make the same mistakes as others who have tried. I grew up watching science fiction shows as a child and decided, given the chance, I would not make the same mistakes. These evil plotters, every Saturday afternoon always make the same mistakes. So I took the time to jot down some notes, a manual as it were, of how I would rule the galaxy!

Method of Death and Disposal (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
My first rule of being an evil iron fisted ruler is simple. Shooting is not too good for my enemies! I personally think shooting is just fine. Many evil rulers feel that shooting is "Too Good" for their enemy. You know the guy who says "Shooting is too good for you, I'll lock you in this room and deal with you later." You know right then, this guy intends to escape and stop your evil plot. Well sir, that's not for me, nope shooting is just fine. No sense gloating over the predicament before you shoot either. Once shot, my enemies will be cremated, not left for dead. Only after I personally see their bones burnt, will I celebrate their passing.

Kidnapping (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
Once I kidnap the Princess I will not plan our wedding for three weeks from now. This gives the doo-gooder ample time to rescue the Princess. No sir, we'll go to the Courthouse and get married in quick fashion.

My Evil Plot (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
I am not sure yet what my evil plot will be. But I do know this much, I will have a committee of five year old kids read over any plot I formulate. Any plot this committee of five year old kids figures out will be discarded.

Evil Hangout (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
My evil office will not have a self destruct mechanism. If one is really necessary, it will not have a big red button labeled "Self Destruct Mechanism Do Not Push". It will be a little white button and will be labeled "Spiders!"

The Source of My Evil Power (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
Every evil ruler has something that is the source of their evil power. Whether it is a ring or a pendant, there is some object that is in the end the root of all your evil powers. No doubt the doo-gooder knows this and will try to steal it. My source of evil powers will not be kept in a cave on a mountain guarded by my legions of doom. That just won't do. I think I'll keep my source of evil power in a safety deposit box at the bank.

Evil Enemies (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
No doubt every evil ruler has enemies, it just comes with the job. However, if there is an infant born and it is written in a book that he was born to overthrow my kingdom, I will not send some underling to do away with him. I will do it myself! If you want a job done right do it yourself kind of thing you know. Now, should the do-gooder be my half brother who is the rightful ruler of the universe, I will not keep him in a dungeon. I will do away with him before some nut sets him free. I will not take time to make my enemy's death look like an accident, I am after all ruler of the universe for goodness sake. It's not like I'm accountable to anyone.

Fighting the Duel (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
When the guy trying to save the galaxy challenges me to a one on one fight for the universe, I will ,of course, accept. I will tell him that we will fight at noon tomorrow! Then I will have him killed in his sleep. After all, that's why they call me evil isn't it?

Begging For Mercy (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
There is no doubt in my mind that present with my evil my enemies will beg for mercy. No doubt someone will inquire as to whether or not I know the meaning of mercy. I will assure this person that I do indeed know the meaning of the word, I just choose to ignore it. In my opinion no do-gooder captured by me or my minions are entitled to a last cigarette, kiss or anything else.

Leaving Clues (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
I am quite sure that my plan is foolproof and cannot be stopped. However, I feel no need to leave clues or riddles lying around to prove it. Never understood that on Batman. Nope, let them figure it out for themselves, why should I help them? I am evil afterall.

Doomsday Device (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
Any device I build to destroy the world will have a digital timer. My doomsday device will be set to go off with three minutes left on the timer. Too many good evil destruction plots are foiled with only one second left on the doomsday timer. Should I hire a mad scientist to build my doomsday device, I will be sure he is equally as evil as myself. Too many evil scientist start out evil but soon develop a conscience, thereby telling the hero how to foil your plot! Better yet, I'll just build the darn thing myself.

Air Conditioning (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
Well, of course my evil lair would have to be air conditioned, if I am to rule the galaxy I must do so in comfort. However, one has to make sure that the air conditioning vents are very small. More than one evil plot has been foiled by do-gooders crawling through air conditioning vents. After all, what good is a dungeon, if it has a vent that your prisoners can escape through?

Revealing My Plot (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
Once captured, the do-gooder always says something like, "Before you kill me, tell me what your plot really is." To this I will say "No" and shoot him. These guys on Saturday afternoon TV really have no sense of what evil is. Revealing your plot or taking the time to gloat, only gives the do-gooder time to escape!

Finally (if I were the evil ruler of the universe)
If I hire evil people as advisors, I will sometimes listen to their advice!

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