All in the trunk

From time to time I like to discuss normal events of life. However, what may be normal to some isn't quite the same to others. I am often asked if this stuff really happens to me. Sometimes I'm asked how I come up with this stuff. I figure somewhere along my life I have angered a witch or a gypsy and have been cursed.

Now, I can't get a normal curse like foot odor or something, I have to get a curse that for all the years of my life, stupid things will happen to me. Last week was a very good week for the curse. No, I didn't make this one up, and I'll have you know it takes a brave man to admit that this actually happened.

I'm sitting at my computer with that nagging thought that my wife told me to do something when she left for work. What was it? It was the trash! I was supposed to take the trash down for the garbageman that comes at 9:30 in the morning. Here it is 11:30 and the trash is still in the basement. Now I hear what you're saying, she won't get mad forgetting it one week. You were right, she didn't get mad the first week, but she got angry the second week. Since this would be the third week I had forgotten it, she would punish me good. Unlike most fib telling husbands I admit I fear my wife.

So, I decide I had better take the garbage to the dump myself. I carried all the bags out to my truck and tossed them in. I had parked my wife's car behind my truck and would have to move it. I slammed the door to the house and walked to the car. Reaching in my pocket for the keys to the locked car, I faintly remember laying the keys on the dryer in the basement.

For the first time in the 9 years since we built the house I had locked myself out. For the first time in 9 years I regretted never having a spare key made. We have a super secure house with a gazillion dollar alarm system so prying a door was out of the question. If I could only get into the car I could push the garage door button and get in the house.

Now bear with me here, this is a long story but worth your effort.

As any good man does, I pride myself in that there has never been a car made I couldn't get into. My wife has this little sports car with these fancy schmancy locks that are immune to the clothes hanger. I had read that in the owners manual and it only took me an hour of trying to prove it to myself.

But what I could do was tie two hangers together along with some string and with careful manipulation hook it on the hatchback release.

SUCCESS!

"Pop" the hatch went. I walked back to the hatch and opened it. Reaching forward as far as I could, I pulled the latch and lowered one of the seats. Then I moved all the Christmas presents my wife has stored in the car to one side and climbed in the trunk. It was my intention to crawl through the hole in the backseat and into the front of the car.

Now, when it's cold the hatch on this car won't hold itself up. As I got in the trunk and knelt down folding my knees up under me, to better fit through the hole in the backseat, I lowered my head. With a thud the hatch to the trunk slammed shut pinning me down against my knees in the trunk. I couldn't move forward because my butt was stuck against the trunk and my elbows were pushed into the carpet.

I remember that moment when I first realized I had locked myself out of the house. I said to myself, "it can't get any worse than this." I've got to quit saying that. In an hour's time I had locked myself out of my house and managed to lock myself into the trunk of my car.

I kid you not, I was locked in the trunk of the car with a good 6 hours before my wife would come home. But in all honesty, I didn't want her to come home and find that I had locked myself in the trunk. Heck if she got home before I got out, she'd see I forgot the garbage again.

As bad as it was in that trunk I remembered what she told me she would do to me if I forgot the garbage again. I decided right then and there if she got home and I was still in the trunk I was going to tell her I was attacked by the garbage man, who threw my garbage in my truck and locked me in the trunk of her car.

I guess I had been in the trunk about thirty minutes when I heard footsteps in the driveway. I began to yell for help, and I heard a loud growl from outside. The neighbors dog, he wouldn't help me, he hated me. As I begged him to "go get help boy," I heard him jump up in my truck, I heard what was without a doubt a dog ripping my garbage to shreds. This dog wasn't Lassie and I guess he figured as long as the rock thrower was locked in the trunk, he'd make a lunch of my garbage.

Fortunately, and hour later a friend came by. Not just any friend but a friend of mine who married one of my old girlfriends. As I heard him pull up I began to shout for help. He walked up to the car and inquired if I were in there. Apparently he thought I was a ventriloquist and this was some sort of joke. I assured him that indeed I was locked in the trunk. To his question of where the keys were I told him in the house. He asked me if the house was locked and I further assured him that I wouldn't be locked in the trunk if the house weren't locked. I know this didn't make any sense to him, but it was all I could think of.

I instructed him on the use of the clothes hangers to pop the hatch. I heard him move around out there and finally ask, "What clothes hanger?"

It was at this time I realized that locked in the trunk of my wife's car, I was still holding the clothes hanger. Good grief. I thought about telling him to break out the window but my luck, he'd cut an artery and bleed to death beside my car. Then, of course my wife would come home and find a corpse in the driveway, garbage scattered all over and her husband locked in the trunk. I had enough to explain.

I asked him if he would care to drive over to the bank and get a spare key from my wife. Being a good sort, he assured me he'd be back as fast as he could. Fortunately he was only gone a few minutes. On the down side he didn't just bring my key, he brought my wife too.

I'm grounded now, and the laughing stock of my community. My wife has solicited the help of some neighbors who will take turns calling me on Mondays and reminding me to take the garbage down.

And I figure this boy went home and told his wife (my old girlfriend) "baby, you're lucky you married me instead of him."

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