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Detective\Stalker

Well, here it is 35 years into my life and I still can't decide what I want to be when I grow up. My earliest memory of someone asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up was my eighth birthday. I replied at that early age...a millionaire.

Not exactly attaining that goal, although each year I get a letter from Ed McMahan telling me I may already be a millionaire, I have moved on. I once thought I wanted to be a garbage man, but that never worked out. They said I was psychologically unsuited because of an answer I put on my application. The question was, what experience did I have? I thought this was a sort of humorous question, what experience does one need to be a garbage man? I wrote, "years of experience going through my neighbor's trash." The security guard helped me to my car.

Later I wanted to be a doctor, and even after that a lawyer. Then I combined them both and wanted to be a lawyer\doctor. I figured If I messed up the brain surgery I could sue myself and collect twice. Once as a doctor from the patient and then as a lawyer from my insurance company. Then I found out you had to go to school to be a doctor and I was much too ethical to be a lawyer.

But, all of my dreams have fallen through. Our school doesn't have a creative writing class, so there is no chance of me being a teacher. Sure won't be teaching spelling.

Late last night watching the late late movie it came to me like a dream. I found my calling in life! Well, actually it was an infomercial, but I was drifting in and out of sleep. It was an advertisement for a detective school! Not just any detective school, but a mail order private detective school!

I have always thought I would make a good detective. I own the complete works of Sherlock Holmes and even the rare Hardy Boy's Detective Handbook. I'm one of those people who can immediately describe someone they had seen only 15 seconds. The other night I was watching the Miss America pageant and I promise you, I could have described any of the contestants. What color bathing suit they were wearing and all that.

My wife, as usual is a bit skeptical of this mail order detective school. When I woke her up to tell her about it, she promised that if I woke her up again, the first murder I would investigate was my own. My first case!

I must say though, I'm not sure how they teach you to be a detective through the mail. What do they do? Do they tell you to go to the mall and find some guy wearing a red shirt and follow him around all day and report back to them? I would think this would be more like stalking school.

Would they teach me to bug my neighbor's homes? I imagine the bugs would be hard to send in the mail being delicate and all. I'd probably have to catch my own. I'd use fire ants!

I guess maybe I just don't understand it at all. What sort of homework would I be sending them? Pictures of my neighbors from behind their bushes? Yes, as I lurk there in the bushes taking photos of my neighbor and the police come, I'll show them my plastic badge with the Acme Detective School logo.

One of the things they do in detective school is have someone run into a room and run around for a few seconds and then after they leave you have to write a description of them. This develops your sense of observation. Look at the picture to the left and tell yourself what you can see about this person from the photo.

I find this person to be somewhat memorable. For example he should be very easy to pick out of a lineup as he only has one eye. But if there are two one eyed people in the lineup, this person can be differentiated by the fact that he only has one ear.

Finally, as my third point of identification I can say that this person wears contact lenses. Now, most of you probably can't tell that from just looking at that photo. However, it's a very simple observation. It would be hard for him to wear glasses with only one eye and one ear! Other than this I don't see anything that unusual about him.

My wife just told me I'm and idiot. Hmm, maybe I should reconsider that government position.

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