This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Permanent Record
I'm going to do something right now, I should have done years ago. I wish
someone had done it for me. I may be murdered or just disappear as a result
of giving away this national secret, but it's time...what
with the end of the cold war anyway.
Kids, you know how your teachers are always telling you if you screw up it will go on your permanent record? Guess what? There is no such thing!
I went through school thinking that me and Suzy getting caught smooching in the broom closet would somehow come back to haunt me one day. Everytime I went to get a job I would start trying to explain what the Suzy incident was all about. Surely, it was there on my permanent record for my prospective employer to see. Funny, I thought, how none of them seemed to know Suzy or even seemed to be interested in our smooch fest.
I did some digging and uncovered one of the greatest myths of school. The "Permanent Record!" Not once will you ever apply for a job and the personnel director ask you about your whispering in class. Nor, will they ask you about that C you made in sixth grade science. They don't care! They will only ask if you have a highschool diploma, and you should say yes, but honestly I don't think they even check that.
They won't ask you about talking in class, spitting in the hall or that fight with the greasy little Billie Joe kid. They don't care that you always forgot when to use apostrophes.
Nor have I ran into any employer who ever asked me to diagram a sentence or explain the Archamides Principle. Criminy, I wish I had known this back in school! To think of all the time I wasted taking notes. I could have spent more time smooching that Suzy kid.
Now, I'm not saying that making good grades isn't important. Nobody wants to be the dumb kid in class. I think it's always good to make sure there is someone in class dumber than you. Making good grades gets you in the Beta Club. That's worth a trip to a convention every year. Try to excel in the classes that get trips and stuff. It's sort of like a bonus plan.
But remember, use the stupid government laws to your benefit. The way our government is set up, you don't have to learn a thing. If you graduate and are still dumb as a rock and can't get a job, we have plans for that. Those of us unfortunate enough to have wasted our time on an education can support you and all your offspring.
Don't let those teachers intimidate you into being smart, you have a God given right to be dumb as two bags of stones. Somewhere down the line our government will pass a law to protect your right to be stupid. Some states have already lowered their test standards so that their kids meet the national norm. Hey, McDonald's is always hiring!
What are teachers going to do to you? Now that I've exposed their permanent record lie, what else do they have to threaten you with? The government frowns on paddlings now. Slapping isn't a viable option for teachers today. Yelling isn't allowed as it might damage ones's sense of well being and screw you up for life. Teachers aren't allowed to hang kids out the window by their feet any more and I haven't heard of a single case of electroshock therapy in years. And while wedgies and wet willies may be totally acceptable from your classmates, if a teacher does it they're in big trouble.
Remember kids, the law says that no matter what you do, they have to teach you. However, the law doesn't protect the teacher's right to do it. So no matter what you do you get to stay in class, but if that teacher steps out of line they're gone!
Chip's Note:
While I realize that some of my articles are sort of bizarre, this one actually
means something to me. In my opinion we can have three computers on every
desk, we can start Compass and Bridge programs all we want. But some of what
I said up there are the problems teachers face every day. Until those things
are repaired and teachers allowed control of their classrooms again, no amount
of computer software can teach your kids a thing.
I got a decent education in the Union County School System. Pauline Dyer, Wanza Sharp, Edna Loy, Eileen Monroe, etc. saw to it that I did. They all did it without a single computer or fancy software. But they also had the respect of the kids. We may not have liked Eileen Monroe, but she realized she wasn't there to be our friend.
Prayer in school? I don't know, I'm pretty pro prayer, but I wonder what teachers would like to see in school first? Control?
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