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Beans Give Me Gas

I've been doing better at shopping this year. I go to the mall every Wednesday with my wife. All she has to do is buy me an Auntie Ann's Pretzel and let me sit and people watch. I'm happy for hours!

Ever since Beanie Babies came out I've been wondering something. Why do people buy these things? There are three Beanies named Chip. My wife scours the shops every time one comes out because it has my name. She had me all over Knoxville trying to find a Beanie Kid named Chipper. She read in a magazine it was hitting the market. Took me all day, but I found one. Why in world's name would she want this thing? Its fat, ugly, red headed and wearing a diaper. I'm not fat, I don't think I'm that bad looking, I don't have red hair nor have I worn a diaper recently. It looks nothing like me! If they made a cucumber called the Chip cucumber my wife would probably buy it.

At least she has a reason, these Beanies have my name. But why do other people buy them? They're just socks full of rocks. Not unlike the ones I used to whack my brother with when we were little.

But this Ty company has quite a racket going on here. I predicted the fad would last a year and die out. Again, I underestimated the stupidity of America. They manufacture stuffed animals. They're not any better than other stuffed animals on the market, but for some reason, people buy them. And since they make gazillions of them there are bound to be some with misprints or off color markings. These should be trashed as defective right? NOOOOO These are called rare and put in shops for people to pay extra for.

It angers me that grown people refer to paying obscene amounts of money for socks full of rocks a hobby. It's not a hobby, it's an illness! They go to the mall and pay $300 for a Beanie Octopus and drive right past the man standing on the corner with a sign that says, will work for food. Oh, yeah, he's probably a fraud, you can't believe people like that. But we can believe the idiots that tell us paying $300 for a nine legged octopus is a good idea.

So I go to McDonald's the other day and there is an abnormally large crowd of people there. The odd thing was there were no kids. I stood in line forever and then as I was ordering my number 2 value meal, this big fat lady runs up and says, "you all got any of those giraffe tiny beanies left?" Just pushed right in front of me and everyone behind me.

It dawned on me this was Beanie day and they were giving those things away in Happy Meals. I asked the little girl running the register how many girraffes they had left. She turned and looked before saying five. I looked at the large lady and grinned and said..."Gimme five happy meals with my value meal!"

Smoke came out of this lady's ears and she demanded to see the manager. The manager explained that there was no law to keep me from ordering five Happy meals. She threatened to sue us all...blah blah blah...mooo.

As I sat there at my table trying to eat all six of my hamburgers a group began to gather. They all eyed my giraffes and some even offered me money. Normally I would have taken their funds, but sometimes evil is worth more than money. As I stood up to leave there was this little girl walking by. She seemed really saddened that she wouldn't get the Beanie. Hey this is what they are, kid's toys! I stopped the little crying girl and said, "here darling, you can have all five of these." The scowels from the herd of middle aged Beanie crazed women was better than the Grinch ever did. But the smile on the little girl's face was worth it all.

I have a lot to remember from that day. The smile on the little girl's face, the anger of the mob when I wouldn't sell, not to eat six hamburgers, etc. But I think the one thing I remember most was the little girls screams as the mob carried her away.

I just don't see what all the hoopla is, I took one of the things apart and guess what? There aren't any beans in them! False advertising! How many people have stocked up on these thinking if they don't go up in price at least they can eat them? You ain't eating these things unless you find styrene balls palatable.

This led me to my latest idea! I'm going to market the first edible collectible toy. I figure as much as these huge women fight over Beanie Babies, they'll just go nuts over my creation. I call them Pork and Beanie Babies. It's kind of like insurance. If you buy one and it don't go up in price you can eat it's innards!

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