This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Legal Lotteries
As I said a couple of weeks ago in one of our newsletters, I have never believed that lotteries are a tax on the poor. I've always figured they were a tax on those who were never very good at math.
These people are the same ones who stand outside
Walmart trying to win a stuffed bear with the coin operated crane contraption.
With each fifty cents, they pay Walmart to demonstrate their stupidity. Then
after $40 in quarters are fed to the machine they jump with joy at winning
a 25 cent Pokemon knockoff toy.
Hey, I can show everyone just how stupid I am free of charge. I don't need to pay Walmart to help me show it. I'm sure this goes on in Kentucky where they have the lottery. People go into the Walmart and are faced with the decision, should I flush my money down the Lottery machine or give her another try at winning that stuffed bear.
Yeah, I see you laughing and agreeing that only rubes play the lottery. Laugh all you will, but I readily admit when I go to Kentucky I buy tickets. But all you SUV driving cell phone talking important person wanna-be's do the same thing every day. In fact you waste more money than the occasional $5 lottery ticket. You people bet your whole future on the only version of legalized national lottery in the United States.
We call it the Stock Market!
My wife and I have been going over the 401K to see how much we want to invest in stocks next year and how much we want to put in something safe like a mutual fund. We sat in the floor eating our grilled cheese sandwiches pouring over the figures and calculating like we had some idea what we were doing. Personally, I think it's easier to put $5 in a machine and scratch off a lottery card. It's the same result in the end.
The Market started in 1642 in England. This guy, probably named John, figured out he could sell people pieces of paper for money. On these pieces of paper were written the words...If I make any money I will give you additional pieces of paper just like this one. If I don't at least you have this piece of paper.
Now, I'm sure a lot of people laughed at old John and made fun of him. However, in a month or so John had sold a whole notebook of paper! Before long, men in suits were telling people which pieces of paper to buy and charging them money for the information. People were clammering to these learned men asking, "Please oh wise one, which piece of paper should I buy today in hopes of making money tomorrow?"
Our whole economy is based on a bunch of old men on Wall Street banging gavels, shouting at each other and numbers flying by with odd symbols. Then you have that Greenspan guy who seems to be the God of the Stock Market. He comes out and makes a speech and the whole stock market listens. None of it has to do with how good a company is, just how fancy the paper is they're selling. It's enough to make the lottery look more feasible.
The lottery isn't a bad thing, but we have two factions trying to stop it in Tennessee. First we have the politicians. They fear the lottery because if all the idiots spend their money on lottery tickets they won't have any left four years from now to donate to their re-election fund. Hey, if you politicians want to save me from wasting my money ban those informercials for nuclear explosion proof car wax. I just can't resist a good infomercial.
Now the other group are the Baptists and other holy people. I doubt any of them would have a problem if lottery was spelled b-i-n-g-o. Raffles and bingo games are just fine, but dang those heatherns for wanting a lottery!
One of these days, churches in Tennessee are going to figure out how to make money off the lottery and then they won't fear it. After all one of the things I learned from being a Baptist is that nothing repels evil like a full collection plate.
I tell you, we could work the lottery into Sunday morning collections! I have a plan! (All you religious types reading this are saying...this boy's going too far) But hear me out. Each week we could take up the offering. Everyone puts their offering in an envelope with their name on it before placing it in the plate. When all the offerings are collected, they're placed in a fishbowl up front and spun around. Then some kid draws an envelope, and the peron whose name is on the envelope gets double their money back!
People will give more because they get more if they win. More people will come to your church, just look at how many drive to the casino in North Carolina every Sunday!
You know, one of these days I'm going to die and when I get up to Heaven God's going to say, "Do you remember that article about churches and the lottery?...That wasn't very funny."
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