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Cheerleader Named Mel?

I have a friend who lives down in Texas. No, she's a Tennessee native, but circumstances beyond her control (good job) have led her to this far off land. I don't really blame her for living down there, I figure she'll come to her senses one day and move back home.

Her daughter Melanie, is a cheerleader for a local highschool down there. She tells me that her and her "Cheer" friends, read my articles every week. As a man, it gives my ego quite a boost to find that a group of cheerleaders number in my fans. Actually, I'm always surprised when anyone tells me they read this stuff.

Now, I'm always looking for a way to up my viewership on the site. Actually, we're doing pretty good with about 3,000 people a week. But, I think we can do better. So I got to thinking, what could I do to cause more people to come to my site? My wife already ruled out porn. I'm not sure that would have been a good idea in Union County anyway.

So now I'm trying to get Melanie and her friends to send me a picture for the site. The way I see it, cheering beauties in skirts too short for a three year old, should draw the men visitors like flies. Look how many of them go to football games.

Oh yeah, they tell their wives they like to sit in the cold and watch big guys fight over an egg shaped piece of leather. Go to a game and see what the men are looking at, 90% are watching the cheerleaders. They have a radio with earphones to listen to the game (they could do that at home). But when they get home their wives will ask them what happened. "Bounced up and down, shouted and did a split isn't the answer she's looking for." Nope it's best to have some idea what happened on the field.

My wife has already told me if we have a little girl she can never be a cheerleader. No, my wife has nothing against cheerleaders, her best friends were cheerleaders. Rather, she is quite certain if my daughter is a cheerleader I will go to jail. She seems to think if I kill some creepy guy, for looking at my little girl at a football game I'll go to jail. Not if there is one little girl's daddy on the jury...he'd understand.

Yep, I'm in the market for an "official" Maynardville.Com cheering squad. At least until my wife finds out.

But I guess I can't just accept anyone on my official cheer squad. After all, cheerleaders are some of the most important people in the world. Without their "team" spirit, I am quite certain most football games would end in a tie. As important as they are, I'm surprised the White House doesn't have it's own cheerleaders. You can bet if I were the President I would.

I guess I'll have to interview potential cheerleaders for the Maynardville.Com squad. Let's see what questions would be pertinent? Can you jump up and down? Can you spell win? Do you have good clapping skills? Do you have a problem wearing skirts that show your bloomers to large crowds of people?

Can you believe they give scholarships for this stuff? I'm not knocking cheerleaders, but there are great minds going to waste for lack of funds and someone that excells in bouncing and clapping gets a scholarship. I'm not saying cheerleaders for the whole are mindless twits, not at all. Only the successful ones are.

A cheerleader's main job is to raise the spirits of those around her. She does this by bouncing and screaming "We're number one!" It makes no difference that they may not be anywhere close to number one, it seems to make people feel better to hear that they are. Most football players I know would have a hard time counting to one anyway, so they never know the difference.

We could use a bit of spirit raising around here too. Morale at the office is at an all time low since my wife took down our Cindy Crawford Calendar.

So, I guess we would need some perks to being a Maynardville.Com cheerleader. We don't have any money so I guess we couldn't pay anything. But you get to wear a little skirt with a cute sweater and matching socks! That's assuming your parents will buy them.

Maybe we should have a little test too. After all, we don't want a squad of imbeciles representing us at events. Let's see, what questions might be important.

1) Let's say your team is down 80 to nothing...(You Union County Cheerleaders should understand this)...do you:
a) Start crying and pitching a tantrum?
b) Yell dirty words at the other team?
c) Lead the crowd in a good chant of we're number one.

If you answered "b" you're on your way to being a Maynardville.Com Cheerleader.

2) When your team scores do you yell:
a) Thank God!
b) It's about time you morons?
c) Yea Team?

Again "b" is the Maynardville.Com choice.

There are a few things in life more important than being a cheerleader, such as breathing, getting a real job, religion, education, etc...But remember, nothing will get you more attention than standing in front of a crowd in a dress too small for a three year old, screaming at the top of your lungs! I know, I've tried it!

See, Melanie asked me to mention her in an article. This goes to prove, you should be careful in what you ask for. There's probably some looney out there that will think you really mean it. I don't think Melanie will ever speak to me again...I have that effect on people.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.