This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

Poke-Who?

If we lived in such a society as to be able to vote people into jail, I would start a campaign to elect the creator of Pokeman, inmate number one! Nobody can tell me exactly what a Pokeman really is, and I'm not sure I want to know. I think I saw something similar to it in a nightmare I had once.

It hasn't been too long ago that the Furby was the big toy of the year. I didn't think anyone could come up with a toy to annoy me more than this. Wrong again! At least Furby did something, Pokeman is just weird.

Now I write this on the biggest shopping day of the year, so I have a few opinions based on the news this morning. I originally thought that the guy who creates Furby's or Poke-men, was some sort of evil genius. I fear though, he is just a moron. He spends all his time creating the demand for the Pokeman, but little time producing them. Therefore he will come up about a billion Poke-men short.

Think of all the disappointed children! Now here's my opinion on that. Kids don't give a rat's patooty about Pokeman and I can prove it. Two years ago, the big rage was Holiday Barbie, had to have one all kids wanted one. Problem is, when the newspaper printed some of the letters to Santa, not a single kid asked for one.

Last year it was Furby. It was a big seller to thirty something year old women, but didn't mean squat to kids. Kids would look at it for five minutes and move on to the video games. Then the mothers would call each other and say listen to what my furby says. They spent, more time listening to Furby than they did their husbands. I had to find my own socks!

Ever notice that the toy commercials are on at primetime these days? They used to come on Saturday mornings, for kids to see. Then the evil geniuses at the toy company realized "Hey, eight year olds have no money!" So they started advertising to adults. Adults are so mesmerised by TV that they let it tell them what their kids want for Christmas.

Now I'm getting to the point. I think we should start a wholesale revolt against the sellers of Pokeman stuff. Take your kids Christmas shopping with you. When you go in the store ask them if they have any poke-people. When they say no, let the butt whoopins' begin. Make them sorry they were ever in the toy business. Make them sorry they ever told a billion people they want a Pokeman, while only manufacturing one hundred thousand.

Here are some ideas to teach these toy people a lesson this year.

1. Stop at your local mega store and grab the announcement microphone. Announce that there are Pokeman trading cards available in the cosmetic section. Then stand back and watch the panic, on the cosmetic lady's face.

2. Put a sign on the back of someone's car that says "Follow me to the Pokeman cards." Then see how many people follow this poor fool. See how long he drives around wondering why all these people are following him.

3. Pick some guy out in a parking lot, maybe the guy that cut you off in traffic. Point at him and at the top of your lungs, announce "He has Pokeman stuff!" Watch him panic, watch him run. But no matter what a woman in high heels in search of Poke-people can run faster.

4. Announce on the radio that you local gas station is giving away Pokeman stuff with each fill up. Then stand back and watch. First he will be happy to have the business! But by the time he tells the fourth lady he has no Poke this or that, the fun will begin. Most likely we will see this man tied, clobbered with a high heel shoe, and drug up and down his parking lot.

Your kid will enjoy watching you in these endeavors, far more than he would have a Poke-person anyway. I've just never understood, why shoppers get mad over these shortages, and hit on each other. They should be beating the ignorant fools who advertised an item so well, yet manufactured so few.

So anyway, be sure to take your child Christmas shopping with you. Maybe then junior will see what the meaning of Christmas is these days. It's too bad we can't get the Pokeman P.R. people to advertise God this year. I bet there would be a rush on churches, and you know what? There would be no shortages.

-Chip

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