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Driving Me Crazy

Does it strike you odd that they have commercials to tell you not to drink and drive, but the first thing they ask to see at the liquor store is your driver's license?

I have come to the realization that November is the official "Teach your daughter to drive" month. The last three times I've driven from Halls to Union County I have gotten behind some girl learning to drive. Now, how do I know this is a girl learning to drive?

She's going twenty miles per hour up 33 HWY is the fist clue. The second is that she's weaving all over the road. Now, to be fair this may be the common run of the mill drunk. So, as I pass this person and turn to give the one finger salute, I see this little girl driving the car. She is stiff as a board staring straight ahead. The size of her startled eyes are only surpassed in size by those of her father sitting in the passenger seat.

Now, before you all start writing me and saying how unfair it is that I singled out girls learning to drive, let me explain. All men who have boys are sure that somehow their son just knows how to drive. They assume possibly, it came to them in a dream one night. Stuck in there between the dream about the cheerleaders and the monster trucks was a dream that somehow just taught their son how to drive. At 16, fathers are sure their son knows how...after all, he's a son! The father hands his son the keys to the family truckster and tells him to go forth and kill someone with his two ton battering ram. This explains the dangers of driving through McDonald's parking lot on Saturday night.

Back to my point, learning to drive.

There's no way to describe the feeling a daughter gets the first time she sits behind the wheel of a car. One mistake and she can can send this two ton vehicle of death careening at high speed into walls, telephone poles, and the unsuspecting passersby. Oh, the power at her fingertips, the power to grant life or death to whomever she chooses! But first, she has to figure out how to start the dang thing, and that's where her father comes in.

The father will risk an expensive possession (his car), as well as his own life to teach his little girl to drive. With all this on the line, it's easy to see why dear old dad might be a bit jumpy while riding with his darling daughter. Don't be surprised if dad succombs to the tendency to scream at his daughter for any minor infraction, such as swerving into oncoming traffic. It's not uncommon in this situation to see a father reaching over from the passenger seat trying to rip the wheel off the column and bring it safely to his side of the car.

Now, the father spends as much time as he can endure, riding with "Daddy's little girl" angering other motorists. One day he gives up and tells his daughter to go take her driver's test. After all, she might get lucky and pass, then wifey won't make him ride with her ever again. Turn her loose on the streets and hope for the best is the reasoning of the day.

Now it's time for "Daddy's little girl" to take her written test. Ahh the written test. The most feared test since the Biology pop quiz. I remember my dad stressing out every time it came time to renew his license. Dad was like me, he always put things off. But renewing his license was a matter for immediate attention. His reasoning was...If I don't renew it they'll make me take the written test again! Not since the Spanish Inquisition has any single event struck more fear in men's hearts than the...."Written Test."

Now, it astounds me how "Daddy's little girl" thinks the capitol of Tennessee is East Town Mall, yet can somehow manage to memorize the whole Driver's Handbook. Now, again don't think I'm blasting girls here. At least they memorize the book, boys never look at it. I think boys must get extra credit points for just being a boy. But anyway, the girls will pass the test.

Next comes the eye test. I have no idea why the eye test comes after the written test. Seems to me if they wanted to know if you were blind it would be good to know that before giving you three thousand written questions to answer. Now, the eye test consists of this man in a white jacket prying at your eyes with spoons while little elves dance around...No wait, that was a dream I had last night. I think you may just have to read some letters on the wall.

Finally, if they can't fail you on those two tests, you still have one chance to make a failure of yourself. The driving test. Now someone commented one time how evil and sour all the driving test people are. Maybe that's true, but who can blame them? Their life expectancy can't be that much. After all their whole work day consists of riding around town with teenagers who have no driver's license.

But somehow, most teenaged kids will pass these tests and despite the best efforts of the state to fail them, will get a license. The girl I passed yesterday with her dad screaming, grabbing at the wheel, will most likely next week be licensed...licensed to kill.

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