This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Nite Before Christmas
I am one of those idiots that wait until the last day before Christmas to
go to the mall. Oh no, my wife has all the shopping done months ago, I go
to
the
mall to see the last minute idiots.
There are the kids with their last minute attempts to brainwash Santa into forgetting that day in June and what they did, in hopes of making the "Nice" list before it's too late. I have no doubts that some kids resort to bribery, personally I prefer extortion.
When I was a kid I went to Grants (extinct department store) one day with Mom and Dad. There in the store was a store Santa walking around. Grants was taking his picture with kids. He hugged up with this 30 year old woman smooching him on the cheek and the manager took the picture. Everyone laughed about it but the picture turned out with a blue spot in the corner. The picture was remade and the first thrown in the trash.
As we were leaving the store this kid comes out carrying the trash on his way to the dumpster. He sits the can down and as Mom fumbles for change for the Coke machine I find in the trash that picture of Santa and the lady smooching him. Well, of course when the employee turned his back, I swiped it.
Later that day we went to West Town Mall. There was Santa sitting in the mall and kids telling him what they wanted. I got in line while Mom shopped. When it came my turn Santa sat me on his lap and asked have you been a good boy this year? I simply stated..."Okay lets get to the point...I want a lot of stuff and I don't think you want Mrs. Claus to see this!" I presented the picture of the lady smooching Santa at Grants.
I don't know who told Mom what I did, but at first she laughed, then I guess she got afraid that Santa would blame her for my behavior and lectured me all the way home. She predicted I would get coal for Christmas but I knew better. Yep, Santa brought me my first train set that year. He knew I had the evidence on him.
Now I know there are tons of Night Before Christmas parodies out there but I figured I'd jump in with one of my own:
Twas the month before Christmas, and all through the store, each section was brimming with Christmas decor.
The muzak was blaring an off key carol, and the fake snow was falling in ladies apparel.
I'd driven many miles to shop on this day, to buy a Poke-Creature at each stop told "no way."
I'd come to these stores for but one reason, to determine for myself what happened to the season.
Someone shouted an order to "turn the tree on!" And also the noel in blinking neon.
Way up high, hanging from twin gold supports, four hundred pink angels flew over mens shorts.
Towering over the stack of mint fresh Listerine, was a 12 foot glow in the dark Nativity scene.
The clock on the wall said five minutes to Nine, the blue clad associates proudly stood there in line.
I watched while the manager gained determination, and called out his command man your stations!
When out on the street there arose such a clatter, the doors began to strain I thought they might shatter.
It sounded like a jackhammer drilling, or maybe another drive by killing.
I looked at the doors, and there against the glass, was a yelling, screaming, hysterical mass.
I felt from the tone of each scream and each curse, the spirit of Christmas had changed for the worse.
The clock had chimbed nine, and the door opened wide, the great human herd thundered inside.
More scary than Sherman attacking Atlanta, came parents and kids each shouting Santa!
In front stormed the mothers, from their arms handbags hung, as deadly as any cheap sawed off gun.
With gusto they swung them, the better to smash, the ears of thick headed associates, and stupid cashiers.
From the example of their parents, the kids had one aim, to get to the man who was using Santa's name.
They mobbed him and mauled him, and began their plead, for the presents they sought in their frenzy of greed.
The manager watched with a glint in his eye, as he thought of the toys that the parents would buy.
Of all Christmas come ons, this crowd would attest, that a visit to Saint Nick was clearly the best.
It was all too much for me to condone, I let out a most horrendous moan.
I've had it, I tell you, with money promoting, gimmicks and businesses gloating.
This terrible display of commercialized greed, Is so very UnChristmas, it makes my nose bleed!
Or maybe it was that old ladies pcketbook. Note to self: "Not a good idea to pick up an action figure during a Blue Light Special."
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