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The Sky is Falling

I bought a book the other day about train wrecks. It's not so much that I wanted to read about train wrecks as much as I'm surprised someone wrote a book about them. It was a pretty good book.

Problem is, I have developed a terrible fear of riding on trains now. Isn't that odd? I wonder how many other people are afraid of trains? Probably everyone who has ever ridden on Amtrak.

I was discussing this with a friend and he said he was afraid of airplanes. He went on to explain that he's not really afraid of flying just of being on an airplane. Now I may be wrong on this, but if one is to fly, I'm pretty sure an airplane is the safest way to do it. I suppose you can be shot out of a cannon, but I'm not sure that technology is perfected yet.

I've always wondered about these events where they release thousands of balloons into the air. Where do they go? Do they just float around up there? I suspect this is what has caused some of the unexplained airline crashes. Flying along at 30,000 feet and running into a flock of helium filled balloons, can be hazardous to one's health.

A fear of flying does have it's benefits though. If you are too afraid to get on an airplane, you have drastically cut your chances of dying in a fiery plummet from the skies. You've also just cut your chances of ever being hijacked and ending up in Cuba.

I remember reading about the law of gravity in school. This was the law in which Isaac Newton wrote that all objects fall to earth at the same rate of acceleration. Well, let me tell you Isaac needed his law license revoked.

I climbed up on the roof of my house with a feather and a bowling ball. Standing on the very tip of the high end of my house (40 feet) I dropped my two objects. Isaac couldn't have been more wrong. The bowling ball beat the feather to the ground with little problem. In fact, I beat the feather to the ground. I remember cursing Isaac Newton as I shot past that feather on my way down.

Fortunately, the neighbors had already called the police to report a man walking around on the roof of a house with a bowling ball. They came, laughed and called for an ambulance.

I sit here trying to scratch my leg through my leg cast wondering if I should rewrite the law of gravity. I think it can best be summed up as don't fall off the roof unless you're pretty sure you can take the fall. That's why next time I'm dragging a mattress out into the driveway before I try my experiment.

There was a guy in Los Angeles who experimented with gravity. He bought a bunch of surplus weather balloons and tied them to a lawn chair. He filled the balloons with helium and tied the chair to the ground. He duct taped himself to the chair with a lunch in a paper bag and a BB gun. His thinking was when he released his chair he would rise up into the air and float around. He took a lunch with him. The BB gun was so when he wanted to come down he could burst one balloon at a time and gradually float down.

Now, the problem was he didn't figure on the lifting capacity of the balloons. Upon cutting the rope that tied him to the ground he shot up at a tremendous speed. The first thing to fall was his lunch. Realizing how fast he was going up he reached for the BB gun. While he had taped himself to the chair, the BB gun didn't fare as well. He dropped it on his way up. At around 20,000 feet he passed out. He was reported floating around town all day, until his balloons leaked enough gas on their own to land him in some power lines. Oh, he lived, was arrested and put in the funny farm.

Now, I know what he did wrong. I'm not going to use as many balloons, and tape the BB gun to my hand. And get this, I'm taking a little battery powered fan with me. That way I can control which way I fly! So if you see a bunch of balloons float over your hose with a lawn chair underneath, don't shoot, it's just me testing gravity.

Wonder where you go to the restroom up there? It's probably best you don't look up as I fly over.

Oh, by the way, I know you're all thinking I'm fibbing about the guy in Los Angeles. Click here to read the article with photo.

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