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Surprise!

Every kid enjoys getting up on Christmas morning and opening presents. I'm sure every kid tells Santa or Mom and Dad what they want well in advance of the Christmas season. I've always thought that the best presents are the ones that the kid wasn't expecting. It's the look of surprise on their faces that makes Christmas morning the memorable occasion.

This year affords Americans the best opportunity to surprise their kids they've had in many years. Most kids this year want a Playstation 9. Problem is, there aren't any to be had. Some dufus flipped a switch left when it should have went right and didn't make enough of them.

I am sure there are a lot of kids that will be surprised this year. Fact is, even Santa gets his parts from this factory, so he may not even be able to help.

So what do you do? You are a bad parent if you don't buy your kid the latest contraption that Corporate America tells you your kid wants. After all, look how much worse off your kid would be if they hadn't gotten that Holiday Barbie last year. Or for that matter Playstation 1 through 8 the past eight years. There is no doubt, that the talking Pokemon saved your kid's sanity last season. After all, it's your kid's only friend.

Give me a break.

I have conceived and created the greatest Christmas gift for any kid. It only costs $19.95 and they're in plentiful supply. In fact if you send me $19.95 today I'll ship you two of them! So what is this miracle of kid's Christmas wishes?

I call it the Two by Four!

It measures six feet long and two inches by four inches wide. It's made of solid would and pressure treated for durability either indoors or out! It's uses are only limited to your child's imagination.

Now I hear you saying, "Chip my kid don't want a Two by Four for Christmas." What are you going to do when all his friends get a Two by Four? You'll look out the window and see you child watching the neighborhood children playing with theirs! Do you want your kid to be the only child on their street not to have a Two by Four? Not only will that warp your kid's mental being, but it will greatly reduce his chances of defending himself in a gang fight.

And don't be fooled by cheaper ads. Most of these are the smaller One by Fours and not as durable.

A Two by Four has more uses than a roll of duct tape. Used in one way, it's a bridge. If your kid chooses, he can use it as a sister whacker. Other uses include a cat chaser, a mailbox basher, a toe masher, etc. I'm telling you this toy has no limit to its uses.

So you think that a Two by Four won't excite your children? All kids love to drive fast. All kids like the sound of sirens don't they? Well if you purchase both of your children a Two by Four it's only a matter of time before they get to ride in an ambulance. Driving fast, blaring the siren blazing down the highway. Once at the hospital they get a chance to see how doctors work. Maybe this will encourage them to decide they want to be a doctor if they grow up. Not only is the Two by Four an action toy, but it's also an educational device.

Now do you think a toy as feeble as a Playstation can get your kid a ride in an ambulance? I think not!

Now, I got a late start on this for this season. Before next Christmas I will develop the new and improved Two by Four 2 (with spikes). We will also produce Two by Four the Animated Movie. We will create a full line of Two by Four clothing as well as a Two by Four Barbie for the girls. Also on the horizon is Two by Four software. Such titles as Two by Four Teaches Your Kid to Read, Two by Four Teaches Your Kid to Spell, and the best seller...Two by Four Teaches Your Kid to Want More Two by Four Merchandise!

My warranty:
A kid with any imagination at all should be able to break a lamp or dent a car with one. If you get your kid a Two by Four for Christmas and it fails to work properly, I will personally come to your house and instruct your kid upon using it. I will teach him to break lamps, dishes, etc. I promise to stay at your house breaking things as long as it takes to teach your child how to amuse himself with the Two by Four.

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