This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Ugggghhhh!
Well, you knew I'd have to write about this. I must confess that I keep a
few articles ahead for those weak times in my life when I'm sane. But then
something stupid happens in the world and I write
something fresh. There is no doubt this is one of those times. So you'll
just have to wait until next week to read why I think Union County needs
to build a robot. Yes, this week I have something more important to speak
to you about.
The Election!
Now wait don't leave, I'm just as sick as you are of it. But I want to discuss some points you aren't likely to see on CNN.
Let's start up north. In New York this guy was beaten by a lady who moved to the state simply to run for office. That's pretty bad. It's sort of like losing class president to the kid that just transferred to your school. Your state must not think highly of you to vote for a stranger that just rode into town.
Now why did he get beat? He wasn't out thought on the issues. No, Mrs. Clinton campaigned saying she wanted to help the homeless and the needy. This in a state that wouldn't give the homeless a quarter if their pants were on fire. (That made no sense did it?) Most of her time was spent telling reporters she loved her husband. No sir, this dufus was beaten because his whole election platform was "Hillary bad-me good." Frankenstein has articulated better sentences than this boy.
The only person who might have been worse off in this election year was the guy out west that was beaten in the election by a dead guy. How bad could that make you feel after the election? The next morning you have to look in a mirror and say to yourself, "a majority of the voters thought a dead man was a better leader than me." Holy moly that's not what I'd call a boost to the ego. Think how bad he would have gotten beat if the other guy was still breathing.
You know, when you think about it, electing the deceased isn't so bad an idea. Oh sure, eventually they're going to smell, but the fact is, they can't vote for a tax increase.
And now the Presidential election. What a mess! What caused all of this? I know this may be hard for you all to believe, but I have an opinion on that. First, let's have a look at the candidates:
Pat Buchanan: This man is as dull as the back of a basketball. When it comes to firing up a crowd he makes Al Gore look like the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. He didn't have a chance. I tried to watch one of his TV spots, but Xena Warrior Princess was on the other channel. Pat versus Xena, Pat looses every time. Maybe he should have dressed in a leather mini-skirt and jumped around a lot.
Ralph Nader: All I can say is this guy makes me look sane. This guy's biggest claim to fame is causing trouble in the 70's. He really did it this year didn't he? You mark my words before this is over Ralphie boy will be modeling a suit made of tar and feathers.
George Bush: Probably can't spell his last name. His mother never made a single campaign ad for him, now what does that say? She's one of the most favorite First Ladies of all time, why wouldn't she make an ad for him? I figure it's because she won't lie and the best she could come up with, was..."Vote for my boy, he isn't too bright and needs a job." I have no doubt she had told him if he wins the election he has to play nice and share the Presidency with his brother Jeb.
Al Gore: Dances like a monkey with it's rear on fire. The man works in truth like candy makers work in taffy. He just keeps stretching it then he sells it to the American public.
Some people will tell you we're watching history. In my humble opinion what we are watching is a sad state of events. This whole election year will go down in the history books. But what will the books say? This year a lady moved to New York and within a few months was elected to the Senate. A man in Missouri was beaten at the polls by a dead man. And the two Presidential candidates yelled at each other on the phone. Ralph Nader screwed everything up while running on the platform "I hate everybody and everything." Pat Buchanan got 20,000 votes nationwide and 19,950 of those were by mistake in one county in Florida.
So finally, what happened? What could have prevented this? I think all it would take is one candidate standing out among this sea of idiots. One candidate that would come out and take a stand on issues, and not just make faces at each other. Like me! If anyone can stand out among the idiots it's me! (That doesn't sound right does it?) Anyway, here are some of the issues I think a viable candidate should have addressed. If they had, Florida wouldn't pick our next president:
Gun Control: A sticky situation, so I'd play it down the middle and appease both sides. My platform would be "Guns don't kill people, bullets do!" Unless of course you take an empty gun and hit people repeatedly over the head. Then it might kill people. Okay, I don't have a good answer for that one.
Global Warming: What's the big deal? Everytime it snows people complain about how cold it is. Stupid! Under my plan everyone would be required to spay hairspray out their window every day. In a matter of a week the world would be a nice tropical paradise no matter where you went! But then the North Pole would melt and all the polar bears would drown. That'd probably ruin the beach resorts. Nobody wants to swim in an ocean full of dead polar bears.
Health Care: I think this would be my biggest area. I would create a committe or task force to find that one doctor out of ten that doesn't recommend sugarless gum to his patients that chew gum. I'm pretty sure he's responsible for the health crisis. A good beating would get him in line with the other nine.
Technology: I don't think the average American is interested in space travel or defense systems. I think the average American as far as technology goes is interested in how many channels they get on TV! That's why I would propose if I were President I would cut Nasa's budget and give that money to the guys trying to build things to descramble pay channels on cable. Now that's a technology the average American can use.
I'm telling you folks, if these four morons running for President had used some of my ideas, one would have been elected without all this Florida stuff.
The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.
