This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Weather Miser
Chip's Note: I wrote this one a few weeks back and forgot about it. Isn't it scary I can write such nonsense then forget I did? People come up to me on the street and say, "I really liked that article you did on this or that." Truthfully, I usually don't remember the article let alone writing it. Then I go home, read it and wonder..."What was I thinking when I wrote that?" Anyway, better late than never, here's Weather Miser.
Everyone notice all the smoke this morning in Maynardville? Seems every county
around us is burning down, this week. Luckilly our Halloween hooligans don't
set fire to the woods. No, they seem to go straight for
houses
and hay bales. These are the same kids that will
one day grow up and run for office...that's another article.
Anyway, what we need is a good rain. We haven't had one in months. Our government spends zillions of dollars ever year on a National Weather Service and they can't even control the weather!
I think we need to quit worrying about all this frivolous stuff like Welfare and police protection and get our government to spend money on something more important. Like a weather machine!
They should build a huge weather machine start a government organization to oversee the creation of new weather, spend billions to study the impact of weather on wildlife, but most important of all...Put me in charge of the controls!
Ever seen that Taster's Choice commercial on TV? The one where the lady is depressed, makes herself a cup of coffee, and sits on the porch watching it rain, drinking coffee and all of a sudden she's not depressed anymore? I get depressed a lot. Everytime I get depressed I go outside and sit on the porch, no rain! How can I get undepressed without rain to watch. Every time I get depressed and go outside, its sunny, the squirrels are playing, rabbits are running around, where is the rain? I guess I'll have to stick to Prozac.
If I were in charge of the giant government subsidized weather making machine not only would I make it rain everytime someone was depressed, I would solve more local issues. That dog, that howls outside your window at night? Call me, whammo I'll flip the switch to lightening, and in a flash and a boom send that howling fool to doggy heaven. If my aim isn't very good I might set your house affire, so it's probably a good idea, when you see my thunderstorm coming, you stand on top of your house with a bucket of water, just in case.
Think about all this would help, no more droughts, unless someone made me angry. No more tornadoes, unless someone made me angry. No more Hurricanes, except in Florida.
It would be very easy for everyone to pick out the people I don't like in our county. They'd be the ones with the giant thunderstorm following them everywhere they went. The farmers would always have just the right amount of rain...for a price.
Yep, if everyone kept me happy this would be a very good plan.
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