Tell A friend about this page.
Type In Your Name: Type In Your E-mail: Your Friend's E-mail: Your Comments:

Down Like the Titanic

My wife has been teaching me to swim for years. After four years I've learned to float on my back. Now, if I run my car in the lake, and if it's not too deep I might not drown. I may float off down the lake and get run over by a bass boat, but I won't drown.

She tells me I need to go down to something called the YMCA and take lessons. I think she's loosing her patience with me.

So I drove down to the YMCA and stood around watching one of the classes. It's sort of like window shopping, I wanted to see what they did, before I invested money in getting them to do it to me. Let me tell you, the things I saw makes the Spanish Inquisition look tame.

When you look at those lifeguards they're all wearing goggles. To keep chlorine out of their eyes? I don't think so! I think they're special glasses developed by the FBI to detect when someone does a number one in the water. I stood there and watched while they caught this little kid doing it!

Now, it's not so much that I would want to go number one in the pool, but accidents happen. Do I want to embarrass myself like that? What if the guy next to me gets caught? Maybe it's just me but if I'm standing there in the water and the guy next to me does that, I don't think I want to know.

I read all the catalogs my wife gets, especially that Victoria's Secret thing...Let me tell you Victoria has no secret and if she did I don't know where she'd hide it....

What was I saying? Oh, catalogs, yeah. Well, anyway one of the sections I look at are the bathing suit sections. I know I'm pasty white, with very little tan and boney knees, but one day I might buy one. Fortunately, I have my wife to point out that the bathing suits I'm looking at are women's. Catches me every time.

But I saw a lady down there that day wearing a bathing suit I saw in one of those catalogs. It was a red white and blue outfit that looked really nice on the size five model hired by JC Penny. However, this lady was no size five! If she had torn every page from the catalog, it would not have covered her, yet apparently, all this bikini came in was a size five, because that's what this lady bought.

Now I am a firm believer in the thought that the more skin a bikini shows, the better I like it. However, reason dictates that the skin shouldn't be hanging over the bikini. It's hard enough not to look at pretty girls wearing bikinis, but for some reason I just wanted to stare at this.

Then there were the characters that just swam around in the pool, slipping up behind people and pushing them down under the water. Apparently this is some sort of sport as there were several people doing it. The people getting pushed down, didn't seem to enjoy it, but the pushers seemed to think it was hillarious. I have no doubt as the Titanic went down, and the survivors were treading water, some joker was swimming around splashing water and forcing people under laughing like a madman.

But I think my number one problem with swimming, is that no matter how good you are at it, there is no doubt that you will get wet. I don't even like taking baths. Oh, I know you have to, but if I were an article of clothing there is no doubt in my mind that my tag would say, "Dry Clean Only."

So, I don't see how I can take lessons down there. If the pool urination problem is so bad, they have to use special chemicals and goggles, is this something I want to swim in? It's not so much swimming in it that scares me, it's drowning. Drowning is bad enough without getting a mouth full of some idiots body waste.

Somebody said I should stay in the shallow part. I remind you of the size 30 lady wearing the size 5 bikini. I watched her jump in. After the splash, the water level in the pool raised to a point where there was no longer a shallow end.

Maybe I should learn to swim, as my wife seems to think one day I'll go nuts and drive my car into the lake. As unlikely as that seems to most people, as most of you know by now I don't have the best of luck. I'd hate to be sitting in a sinking car, wishing I had used the $25 my wife gave me for swimming lessons, for actual instruction instead of buying that new Chevy Chase movie.

Maybe after I finish the movie I'll mount pontoons on my car.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.