This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Them Squirrels
Anybody besides me noticed the animals in our area are getting uppity? I
think it comes from years of feeding the birds and squirrels and bears. They've
come to expect it and get very angry when you forget.
I live out the street from my Dad, I built a house here about ten years ago. Sometimes I walk out to Dad's during the day to borrow tools or some sort of nonsense. There are about ten walnut trees between me and dad. It used to be all I had to worry about, walking out there, was the traffic. One of my old girlfriend's husbands drives out through here and I was convinced he was trying to run me down.
Then I angered the squirrels. I wasn't trying to anger them or anything, I didn't know they lived in that tree. I decided to widen my driveway and that meant grading down the bank at the road. It also meant disturbing the home of these squirrels. I feed these squirrels all winter, but do they appreciate it? No! Push their house down and they forget all the good you do, they just want revenge.
When I walk out the street now, the squirrels throw walnuts at me. Now I know you don't believe that any more than the lady at the Sheriff's office when I called to report them. But one night you'll be watching that "When Animals Attack" show on Fox and you'll see me running down the street being chased by squirrels throwing walnuts. They just bounce around in the trees and drop walnuts at me.
Now, I thought this was just an isolated case of squirrels gone bad, until this morning. This morning I see on the news where a cemetery in Knoxville is losing flags off of veterans graves. They thought that some nut was stealing them, but a video camera caught squirrels stealing them at night. Once they found the squirrel's home, they found a stash of little American flags. This leads me to believe that squirrels are communists! I can't believe I spent all those years feeding them and dodging them in the road just to find out they're communists. I've always thought they were watching me, maybe they're spies.
I have no idea what these squirrels are up to, but I think it's pretty safe to say that when rodents start throwing things at you and stealing your flags, they're up to no good. We'd arrest people for such behavior, yet when I called the police they seemed to get mad at me. Is this possibly a conspiracy? Are the police and the squirrels in this together? When the government decides to take our guns they won't send armed men. No, they'll send a herd of squirrels to carry them off.
So, how deep is this animal conspiracy rooted in our society? It's not just wild animals. Look at all the people that get bitten by dogs every day. Snakes bite people, skunks bite people, seems like every animal on earth is trying to bite or eat people! And cats, how much do we really know about cats?
Oh sure, they want us to think they're our friends. They keep pointing out what a bad animal that dog is, but how much do we really know about these cats? "If" cats are their real names.
I have never once in my life gotten a cat to do anything I've asked them to do. My dog will fetch when I tell him to, but when I say it to the cat, it just falls over. I talk to my dog all the time and it sits and listens to me. Oh, I know it's not really listening, and probably the only word it knows is food. But at least he seems interested. I try talking to my cat, but it doesn't care to hear a thing I say. It seemed interested the other night, and I was encouraged. I was explaining why it should go get me the remote, when it jumped up and ran over to me. Stood there staring right at my face. I kept repeating remote...get the remote and the cat began to fidget and jerk. I was making headway! The cat might actually get my remote!
Nope, seems I had a moth in my hair. The only thing I got from the cat was scratch marks on my face. I looked like Davy Crockett with my pants on fire, running around the living room with a cat on my head screaming as loud as I can. Problem is, when you have a cat on your head the last thing you want to do is startle it. The next to last thing you want to do is jump up and run around. Cat's have no concept of jumping off, they intend to hold on and see where the ride takes them.
But back to my original point. Since you've read this far I am certain you are as convinced as myself that these animals are up to something. How can you dispute the facts? So we need to let others know what we found out. The next time you're at a Maynardville ballgame, when the action gets slow and the crowd gets silent, jump up and as loud as you can yell....The animals are out to get us! Then I bet the police take us seriously!
You all do that, I'm going to call Charleton Heston and tell him I think the squirrels are trying to take our guns. Let's see how they like dealing with the NRA!
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