This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Debate Debacle
I now declare myself a candidate for President of the United States. After
watching this week's debate, I have come to a conclusion. Elected officials,
much like diapers need to be changed often...usually for the same
reason.
You know, this may be the earliest I've ever been sick of the Presidential election. I've watched three debates now and still don't know which idiot I intend to vote for. Every election year, Homer Simpson begins to look better and better. I watch every time to see if either candidate wants to give me money.
Gore hires someone to teach him how to act in public. I'm already ahead of the game there, my mom taught me that when I was a kid. But I guess there's a market out there for old bald fat guys to make money telling grown men how to act in front of a crowd. As long as there are politicians these guys will have a job.
Politicians are kind of like used air conditioners. They make a lot of noise and are very windy, yet they don't seem to work very well. Seems to me they both want my money. One wants to take it from me and give it to the rich and the other wants to give it to the poor. I guess if I were President I'd take money from everyone and give it to myself.
I guess if I'm ever going to run for President the less people know about me the better. For that matter the less I know about everyone else the better too.
One thing I would do though. If elected President, I would attack the toxic waste problem we have in America today. I'd deport Martha Stewart to Zambia and ban the WB network. I'd put good wholesome family shows back on TV like Dark Angel and Baywatch.
So, I watched the debate last night and the more I watched the more I realized just how doomed we are no matter who we vote for. I have taken a few of the questions and shown the answer I would have given as well as the answers given by the candidates.
Mr. Lehrer:
Chip, the first question goes to you. One of you is about to be elected the
leader of the single most powerful nation in the world, economically,
financially, militarily, diplomatically, you name it. Have you formed any
guiding principles for exercising this enormous power?
Chip:
Why yes I have. I have given this much thought. I've never been one of those
candidates that runs for office and has no idea what he's going to do if
elected. If elected, I will make little countries fear me. I will attack
an oil rich nation and once I conquer it, take all their oil and reduce our
gas prices.
Mr Bush:
Blah blah blah blah blah. My dad used to be president.
Mr Gore:
I invented the presidency.
MR. LEHRER:
Should the people of the world look at the United States, and say should
they fear us, should they welcome our involvement, should they see us as
a friend, everybody in the world? How do you — how would you project
us around the world as president?
Chip:
If I am the President, all the little peon countries will fear us. I look
at the United States as a world power. We invest zillions in nuclear weapons,
I intend to get our dollars worth the first time some third world dictator
angers me.
Mr Bush:
Blah blah blah blah, I have the same name as my dad.
Mr Gore:
I invented nuclear weapons.
MR. LEHRER: Does that give us — does our wealth, our good economy, our power bring with it special obligations to the rest of the world?
Chip:
Our wealth means we can buy and sell anyone. Our power means we can kick
their butts if they try to take our wealth.
Mr Bush:
Blah blah blah blah I'm very wealthy.
Mr Gore:
I invented money.
Now none of that may be verbatim of what the candidates said, but it's what I heard.
Now, how can you help me? I can't afford a staff of idiots to tell me what I need to do, but I'm sure all of you can help. Simply tell me the sort of candidate it takes to get elected.
1) Should my wife be (a) like Hillary Clinton, (b) like Eleanor Roosevelt, (c) like Jackie Kennedy, (d) like Tipper Gore, or (e) completely anonymous and invisible. (I suggest E)
2) Should I as your candidate have (a) zero girlfriends, (b) 1 to 3 girlfriends, or (c) more than 3 girlfriends. (My wife suggests A...I suggest...A too, but we'll talk about it.)
3) Should I (a) lie only in public, (b) lie only in private, (c) both, (d) never lie.(e) Lie when the truth would work better.
4) What should be my number one priority? (a) showing up, (b) lowering federal income taxes, (c) improving public education, (d) increasing job opportunities for minorities, (e) improving the environment, (d) looking real good on television.
5) Should I as your candidate (a) have had at least one extra-marital affair and worked it out, (b) never had an affair but want to, (c) never had an affair and is smart enough to realize how really expensive and stupid affairs are.
6) Should I (a) want to get votes from the religious right by opposing abortion and supporting prayer in schools, or (b) vigorously defend the separation of church and state, or (c) decide my stand on this issue based on where I'm giving a speech.
7) Now finally the biggest question:
What do you want me to do with the federal budget surplus: (a) lower taxes,
(b) increase spending for defense, (c) increase spending on domestic programs,
(d) write myself a check for a billion dollars.
Don't worry with voting on the last one, it's decided already.
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