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Did I ever tell you folks I used to umpire in Little League? Yes that American standard, we all say teaches our youngsters life lessons and builds their character.

You know what I learned in my years of umpiring Little League? Most kids get their potty mouths from their parents. That's what I learned.

People tell me what baseball teaches kids about life. Personally I always thought it was fun, but I never saw the deep meaning parents and officials hoped for.

It teaches kids how to be a good loser.
Is that something we want to teach our kids? A loser no matter what is still a loser. I'm sorry, but I've always wanted to say it. Is one kid going to brag that sure, he lost, but he lost better than little Johnny? What kind of logic is that? And no matter how well one loses, if you make the last out in a losing game, somehow all your friends pin the loss on you. Oh, maybe the kid can say, well I lost well! Give me a break.

Try again after you fail.
If once you fail, try try again. I've heard that one all my life. So the kid makes the last out and incurs the wrath of his losing team. The next day he picks himself up and says, "today I'm going to play my best game!" What if he makes the last out and loses again? Is his reward being a better loser than the day before? Can kids really brag about their third consecutive loss and how they become better losers every day? How does this translate into a life lesson for adulthood?

Getting yelled at a lot.
Now one thing Little League does teach kids is that they're going to get yelled at a lot. This may be the only viable lesson they can take on to adulthood with them. This one isn't likely to change. There are nine players on the field. Of those nine players nine wanted to be the pitcher. Some take it well, others stand in the outfield with their arms crossed. So Little League comes down to eight people doing things they didn't want to do, but someone made them. Yeah, I can kind of agree this one might get kid's ready for adult life.

Teamwork and management.
Most Little League coaches are by definition not qualified to coach. Usually, they're politically connected parents with an ego problem. Out in the stands is probably a parent who knows more about baseball than all these "coaches" combined. He will not get a chance to coach. So the kids are generally left on their own. So at least one kid learns management skills. He's the one who keeps track of who bats next and who is at the bathroom. This frees the "coach" up to yell absurd reasoning at the umpire.

The louder you are the more you get.
There is no doubt in my mind that every Little Leager learns if you yell long enough and curse a little, you get what you want. They get this from their parents in the stands. The parents yell at the coach that their kid should be pitching. Never mind their kid couldn't hit the backstop with a basketball. So finally the coach lets the kid pitch. He beans kids until the umpire removes him. Four kids learned something that day. The kid learned he can't pitch and three kids learned baseballs to the head hurt. No, the parent didn't learn a thing.

Positive comments help.
When the kid swings at a ball that is four feet over his head and strikes out, do you yell, "you stupid jerk" or "nice swing?" Although the first of these two choices is normally tried, I suspect the second would be more beneficial. Granted this is a theory, I've never seen it tried.

But the one thing I think that kids learn from Little League, is that there is no justice in life.

I remember well, this kid who stood there swinging at balls and fouling them off. Then he fouls a good fastball and the catcher ducks and the ball caught me in the groin. I don't remember the next three pitches. All I remember was calling him out and the pitcher saying something about not throwing the ball or something. I don't know if he threw three pitches or if it was my mind playing tricks on me. All I was thinking about was ice.

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