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Bill's Right?

I remember as a kid when someone mentioned the Bill of Rights, I wondered why Bill was always right, and who this Bill was? I knew a Bill and he was hardly ever right, I figured there must be one somewhere smarter than the one I knew.

Then as I got older and found out what the Bill of Rights were, I became more confused than when I was a kid. I kind of liked it better when my friend Bill was deciding everything, and I thought he was an idiot.

Everyone wants to scream about their rights. What rights? The only right we are born with, is the right to fall over dead one day. Just because a bunch of men in the 1700's wrote all this down doesn't make it so. After all, these men wore wigs and stockings. Hardly the sort of characters you'd take advice from if you met them on the street today.

I have taken a few moments to write what I think is a more realistic Bill of Rights. Now wait, before you start calling me a Communist and trying to tell me how much better we have it than Cuba or Lonsdale, let me point out, I said more realistic not better.

We the people of the United States in order to give everyone everything they want, but don't want to work for, establish this Bill of Rights. The only truth we hold evident is that people are way too stupid to figure out human rights using common sense, therefore making it necessary that we write this.

I: You do not have the right to a VCR, big screen TV or any other luxury item. It is my fervent wish that everyone in America has these things, however, if you cannot afford them, you do not have the right to break into someone's house and take theirs. Should you try to take your neighbors things, we reserve the right to lock you away in a place void of TV's and VCRs for many years.

II: You do not have the right to go through life not being offended by anything. If you are offended by something on TV, we hereby order all TV's to be equipped with an on off switch. Our country is based on freedom. Freedom means freedom for everyone not just you. Certainly there are lots of idiots in our world, and probably always will be. However, there is no rule that I have found to allow us to kill those more idiotic than ourselves.

III: You do not have the right to never be harmed. Should you choose to pour hot coffee in you lap, it is not your right to be made independently wealthy by McDonald's.

IV: You do not have the right to free housing and food. Now we can make exceptions for those that are sick or injured, who deserve it. Or even those who are out of work because their jobs were moved to Mexico. However, Americans as a whole are sick and tired of supporting generation after generation of Oprah watching couch potatoes.

V: You do not have the right to harm your fellow man. Should you disagree and choose to harm and or murder your fellow man, do not be surprised when the rest of us exercise our right of seeing your head smoke in an electric chair.

Well, that's about it as far as I'm concerned. If I were rewriting the Bill of Rights, they'd look something like that. The right to happiness? Hogwash! The Bill of Rights say you have the right to pursue happiness, it doesn't say the rest of us have to slow down to let you catch it.

The problem wasn't the Bill of Rights in the first place. The problem lies in their interpretation. The way they've been twisted by dime store lawyers, a case could be made that I have the right to fly over your house in a balloon and drop cow poop on your roof.

A lot of fine men and women have fought and given their lives to help us have the freedoms we enjoy. War is not humane. War is not noble. But in some cases we recognize that War is a necessity of living in a free world.

However, our defense of our rights and liberties to me does not make the jump that has been applied to recent world conflicts. I do not see how defending Kuwait and risking American lives helps our rights. Oh, they say that we had to defend our oil supply. Surprise, Kuwait was invaded by Iraq. Know who Iraq's number one oil customer is? The United States. So we freed Kuwait. Did they reward us our pay us back? Everytime I pay $1.50 a gallon I doubt it.

So the next time our leaders want to jump into a conflict, allow me to say this. If the United States is threatened or our citizens I am all for it. I say it's high time we quit letting little third world nations push us around. But I don't think we should be the worlds policemen and take it upon ourselves and risk our kid's lives, to remove every little dictator wearing a funny hat.

I think the only rights we have as Americans is the right to die one day. Freedom, happiness and everything else is something we have to work for, we're not born with it no matter what overpriced lawyers say.

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