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What we want for Christmas

I have decided to do all my Christmas shopping off the television this year. Each year I sit around saying "I don't know what to get people." Well last night, watching Family Feud (at my neighbors) I noticed the TV was on. And what was on TV, but a very large gentleman telling me that everyone wants a knife that will cut shoe leather.

Now I never knew people needed their steak knives to cut shoe leather, but after some of my cookouts, it's probably not a bad idea. So I ordered a set of Ginsu knives. Go on laugh, but you know you've all wanted to!

The next commercial was for this thing called an Orbitrek. Apparently this Orbitrek thing is going to make us all thin, like the pretty young lady that was demonstrating it. I'm not sure what the Orbitrek is, but it has two sticks that stick up, two bicycle pedals, but no seat. I had a bike like that once, and I blame my hemorhoids on it today.

Now I don't know if this Orbitrek is an exercise device or more likely an instrument of torcher. I suspect that your spouse threatens you with the Orbitrek if you eat that piece of cheese cake. One look at the Orbitrek and you wouldn't eat it trust me.

So if you're at a loss for the perfect Christmas gift consider one of the following (all seen on TV last night).

Flowbee $59.95
Now here is a gift that's time has come. I've always wanted to cut my hair with a vaccume cleaner. With the looks of kid's hair today, this thing must be a big seller.

Spacebag Combo $21.95
Now often I sit around and think "boy that closet would have tons more space, if I could only suck the air out of it!" This device lets you put all your clothes in a plastic bag, and use your vaccume (when you're not cutting hair) to suck the air out of it. Thus it compresses your clothes to 25% their normal size. Personally I just stack all my shirts in the closet floor.

Virtual Knockout $196.80
Along the same lines as the Orbitrek, this exercise device has pedals, sticks and no seat. But unlike the Orbitrek this device has boxing gloves on the end of the sticks. Now I thought the Orbitrek was bad, but it takes a real man to exercise on a machine that beats the crap out of you.

Snorenz $16.95
Bizarre little things to stop you from snoring. It's value priced at $16.95 but my wife has figured a cheaper device. It's called a foot. You learn not to snore when you land face down in the bedroom floor a few times.

Magic Wipers $8.95
Need  I say more? Don't all our cars need magic wipers? There is so much magic rain these days!

Onion Blossom Maker $19.95
I got my friend Kelly one of these last year. It made a pretty onion all opened up and golden brown. I mean to tell you it was nice, this thing can make a pretty onion. The only thing it can't do is make it taste good! Shew! That thing was greasy and awful. I don't know how they are now, because right after Kelly and I made the first one we found the directions. I probably won't get invited back for another try after the faces I made during the first attempt.

Brown and Crisp $19.95
This is a bag that you place food in before you microwave it. Supposedly it makes your food brown and crispy. Is this really a problem? Most everything I cook ends up brown and crispy. Now if they made a magic bag that makes everything good and tasty that would be a must buy!

Chip-O-Matic $8.95
For all of you who think that you can make a better potato chip than Lay's here is your gift. Often times I sit and eat potato chips, thinking "boy I could make them better than this!"

Rotato $18.95
Here is a gift idea for the potato man in your life. The rotato spins a potato around on a pedestal and a little blade carves the skin from it. It also carves about half your potato away, but that's the cost of potato progress. After all this is almost the year 2000 do you want to keep peeling potatoes the way people have for hundreds of years?

Barbecue Food Thermometer $19.95
This is a digital outdoor grilling thermometer. Now this is a gift no man needs! All men understand, you grill it until it's stiff and giving off smoke. That's how you know it's done! Then you add barbecue sauce to give it some moisture again.

Jingle Ring $17.95
Now for all you people out there that don't think a ringing phone is annoying enough, we have the Jingle Ring. Instead of just ringing this device play a little ditty every time someone calls. I believe this may be the most annoyance you can buy for $17.95. Tell you what, if you buy one let me know, I'll be glad to call you at three in the morning and see how you like it.

Natures Soothing Sounds $19.95
Same as the jingle ring except this one plays rain sounds. Also as a bonus this one does it constantly, not just when the phone rings. Now it says it will help you sleep. But honestly rain makes me have to go to the bathroom. I don't think my wife wants me to combine sleep and going to the bathroom into one activity.

Hours and Hours Quartz Clock $8.95
I don't know what the deal is with this but it's supposedly better than any other clock on the market. I take from the name that maybe it has more hours than the normal clock. This would be a bonus for people habitually late for work. When the boss complains, they can say "no, I'm early it's on nine minutes past fifteen!"

Waistband Stretcher $13.95
This is a device to stretch the waistband of pants. Supposedly it makes the more comfortable. Maybe it does, but most men already own such a device, it's called a stomach. Save the $13.95 and buy the Chip-O-Matic.

Now these are but a few of the wonderful gift ideas broadcast across TV every night. But rest assured that there is a perfect gift for everyone. Wives want a special evening, maybe being taken out to eat, maybe see a love type Meryl Streep movie, and just be made feel special. Most women would cherish this for all time.

Men want a Harley!

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