How To Be A Man

When I go to McDonalds or stop by our high school, I am struck with one fear. Boys grow up to be boys. Boys today seem to get out of school and have no idea what it takes to make the transition from boy to man. I see twenty five year old guys today acting more immature than I did when I was 12. It's not just me either. When I was a Senior in school, I spent my weekends playing tennis or chasing girls. Today kids go sit in Hensley's parking lot and spit. The habit of spitting is a whole different article.

Today it seems boys have gotten ahold of some faulty information about dating and generally being a man. I have no doubt that somewhere in a textbook kids have been given faulty answers to life's little questions on how to be a man. If I sent out a questionaire, I am sure I would be enlightened by the responses I would get from idiotic young boys today.

Here is what I think is a sample of the advice young boys are getting about dating today. There is no hope for our future as a species.

How to be a man:
Don't call, ever. It's a sign of weakness. Always promise to call, but never do it. Sooner or later they'll figure out you didn't really mean it, but by then you'll be too far away for them to hit you. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

How to be a man:
Lie often and lie well, never tell the same lie twice.

How to be a man:
Sometimes it's hard to get girls to go out with you. Here is a great line: "My girlfiend's out of town, will you go out with me?" This way she knows some other girl finds something in you to like, surely you must be better than you look.

How to be a man:
Women love to ask questions. It is not because they are interested in you. It is because they know you're fibbing and want to trip you up. You can not outsmart a girl on your best day. Be as vague as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

How to be a man:
Lie several times a day. It's best to lie even when the truth works better. This way you stay in practice for those occasions when you have to tell one so big, you don't even believe it yourself.

How to be a man:
Tell your girlfriend about all your previous girlfriends. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more girlfriends than baths. Always compare your current girlfriend with previos ones. If she's better than they were, she'll be flattered. If she's not, she'll know what to work on.

How to be a man:
Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have, women are attracted to men in large cowboy hats, that spit a lot. It does not matter if the closest you have been to a cow is at Burger King, women are stupid. They will assume since you wear a cowboy hat, you are a manly sort of man. Better get you some cowboy boots too, and try to walk like you're saddle sore.

How to be a man:
One sure way to make a girl like you is to hit on her best friend. Women are real competitive that way. Plus you can always deny it if it doesn't work out. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. If a girl breaks up with you because you went out with her best friend, she has no right to be upset. Because, she's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

How to be a man:
Telling a girl that you will call her is as good as calling. They don't really expect you to do it. If asked about why you didn't call it's not a bad idea to lie. Tell her you got your cowboy hat pulled too far down on your head and couldn't find the phone.

How to be a man:
If ever asked a serious question by a girl, never have a clue to the answer. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. They already know the answer. All they're doing is trying to make you look more foolish than that cowboy hat you're wearing. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." This might be a good time to practice the maneuver men call....The Blank Stare.

How to be a man:
Never make decisions about anything. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, grunt a lot. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole .

Example: Question: "Baby, will you take me out to a mushy movie Saturday?" Answer: "Yes, if you can tell me the capitol of Oklahoma." Be sure to give her a time limit, girls know how to use books.

How to be a man:
The best way to keep a girlfriend is to treat her awful. Ignore her a lot and talk to your idiotic friends and leave her standing. When she breaks up with you, cry and whine until she takes you back. Start the process all over again.

How to be a man:
If your girlfriend makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. Plus it's that much less time you have to stand around while she tries things on.

How to be a man:
If you do something really mean to your girlfriend, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

How to be a man:
If your girlfriend suggests you need to show more emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

If you doubt that somewhere a textbook like this exists, go to the mall and watch two kids out on a date. There is no hope for the future of our species.

And listen kids, if I give you no better peice of advice, here is one to keep. Follow this advice on dating and you will do well:

No means no, yes means no. No matter what a girl says to you her answer is no. If you assume anything else, she will have her daddy kill you.

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