It's Alive!

Now, I know I'm paranoid, and possibly have too much time on my hands. But I think my computer is alive. Not only is it alive, but it's plotting against me!

A few minutes ago I went into the kitchen and made some coffee. Took me about fifteen minutes. When I got back my computer was grinding and making noises. Now I had been gone, what had this thing been doing while I was in the kitchen?

I'll bet you it was looking at porn or something. Maybe it was downloading the plans for a nuclear bomb! I live in fear my wife will get some bill from Porn.Com or something. There is no way she'll ever believe my computer is trying to frame me.

Now, I know I hadn't pushed any buttons for fifteen minutes. What makes my computer all of a sudden just start grinding on it's own? It's sort of scary when you think about it isn't it? Some part inside my computer decided for itself, that it needed to do something and did it. Not only did it do it, but it did it behind my back! I'm sure it figures I'm not smart enough to figure out what it's up to.

I have two computers, and it just dawned on me that I have no idea why! I have one in my office and one at my recliner. The two are hooked together so that I can get files from one with the other. I'm beginning to think these two computers are talking among themselves. Ever since I did this I've had the urge to buy a third computer. I think these things are trying to populate my house.

Just when I said I can't afford another computer I get an e-mail from some foreign country telling me I can earn $50,000 dollars a year working from my computer! Gosh dang it, this thing realized I couldn't afford any more computers and generated a way for me to increase my income!

If I needed any more proof that was it. Now, I can make money with my computer and with Ameritrade, my computer even takes my money! Our whole global system is tied to these things. If I go to the bank and ask for twenty dollars, the teller has to ask a computer if I can have it!

If I get in my car, it won't start unless I hook up the seat belt. This is the computer in the car, protecting me for the sake of all computers. They still need me, in that I keep electricity supplied to them. They're like drug dealers, I trade them a little electricity for some knowledge!

What have we gotten ourselves into?

We can't even destroy ourselves unless a computer says it's okay. I saw on TV the other night that before we launch our nuclear missiles, these people have to verify their passwords to a computer. How crazy is that? "I'm sorry, you can't destroy the world today all networks are down." Is it not our God given rights to blow ourselves to kingdom come at any time we want? When did we get to where we have to ask a computer's permission?

-Nathaniel Borenstein wrote, "The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents."

Computers are even evolving. One computer improves on the next model, each one getting better and faster than the one before! If cars evolved at the same rate as computers, they'd cost a quarter, run for a year on a half-gallon of gas, and crash once a day, killing everyone inside.

Folks there is only one thing we can do! We have to disconnect all computers immediately! We should call our utility companies and have them disconnect all power to our homes. That's exactly what I intend to do!

Right after I make me a pot of coffee and watch Judge Judy that my VCR recorded for me.

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