Battle Of The Sexes?

You know, my wife pointed out that I make fun of her a lot in my articles. I don't think that's so! Actually I make fun of all women! I'm a man after all, that's what we do. Is it too much to ask, that women allow us to feel superior?

Well, my wife insists that I write an article "Pro-Women" or I don't get no cheeseburger this weekend. So, okay, I'll do it, but it better be a good cheeseburger like from 33 Diner, not one of those little 79 cent Krystal things like she tricked me with last time.

Let's see, what can I say about women? Women are good for marriage. Yes sir, I can't imagine being married without one. I guess they do that some places, but I know how men are. Why in the world would two men get married? Who would find the car keys?

I like women! No, not like that, I mean of the two sexes, there is no doubt in my mind they are the superior of the two. Oh, I know God made man first, but much like my attempts at building a birdhouse, I build one, realize I've goofed it up good, and built a second one without the mistakes I made in the first. I'll bet God was no different. I'll bet God made man, who instantly lost his car keys and then made woman to find the keys for man. Just makes sense doesn't it?

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Now, this isn't to say that all men are bad or couldn't survive without a woman. I think finding good men is getting harder and harder though. But, all men have their virtues, it's just that women don't see them. Fact is, I have never seen a woman who could pass gas as well as any man. Or belch either for that matter. Men are far better at starting wars too. Name me one war a woman ever started! Without men, the History Channel would be showing cooking shows.

I recently went to one of those old time craft fairs. There, in the field, this old man was demonstrating how people used to plow with mules. I watched for a long time and realized, this wasn't much different than marriage.

The old mule knows what he's supposed to do, but it takes someone at the reins to guide him through the field in a straight line. How is this different than life?

Men are like mules, we know what we're supposed to be doing, but leave us alone and we'll wander around until we screw something up. Luckily, God invented marriage to fix this. God made woman to hold the reins of man. They hold our reins and lead us through life, and keep us on a straight line. You take any married man, you can tell him from the single man, he's the one pushing the buggy at Walmart. The single man (without woman) is the man wondering all over the store with his hands full, searching for toilet paper.

It's benefits, such as these that make marriage so popular. In fact, marriage is so popular these days that many people are jumping out of one, so they can go get married to someone else. I've never understood why people get divorced, spend a year badmouthing their ex, and then get married again. I think it's something like a virus. A wise person once said, "marriage is grand, divorce is 20 grand." I believe that the chief cause of divorce in America today is marriage! If there weren't so many marriages, there certainly wouldn't be as many divorces...now argue with that logic!

Before marriage, a young man yearns for the woman he loves. Once she allows him to catch her, she tosses out the "Y" and the man EARNS for the woman he loves. This is the definition of marriage. Look it up in Webster's I'm sure it's in there.

So, why do women marry us? Because, I believe they have great imaginations. They believe that one day we might be this or we might be that. Their imaginations see men for what they can be, not what they are. After marriage their imagination goes away and intelligence takes over. They set upon changing us.

But I learned a lot about marriage that day watching that old man and mule. There was no greater parallel to marriage that I had ever seen. The patience of the man was astounding. The old mule would holler and kick and fuss, but the old man just kept a steady hand on the reins. He let the old mule fuss and kick, because he knew in the end the mule would do what he wanted. I think this is my wife's idea with me.

The patience of a woman holding the reins on her man is every bit as impressive as a farmer working a mule. Women by nature have far more patience. I've always read about Job in the Bible, how much patience he had. I have no doubt he had a good wife like mine.

Oh, it's not so bad to be a mule in life. Being led through the fields with a good wife at the reins. Sure, she might keep me from doing something I really want to do, no matter how stupid or dangerous it is. But, life is very much like that mule and old man.

They can both survive alone, but when it comes to life, like plowing a field, nothing beats a good team.

So, what do you think? That was pretty good huh? How many people do you know that could write two pages of nonsense about mules and make women think it was something good? I'm telling you, I'm going to win me one of those Pulitzers for this one!

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