Where's My Check?

I just finished reading an article I found on the clothes hamper in the bathroom. It was in a Reader's Digest and described the plight of the American farmer.

Oh, not the farmer that we know around here, I'm talking about the farmers in the midwest who swear they're going broke every year. This is despite the fact that when they show them on TV they seem to be driving Dodge Dually Trucks, and parked in front of the quarter a million dollar farm tractor. Maybe this should give us some clue to the business minds of these folks.

However, that isn't my point in this. In the article it blabbers on about how bad things are and what the government is doing about it. Seems the government is paying farmers not to raise corn. Um, wait a minute here...what kind of business are you in when someone pays you not to do something? Isn't that called extortion? "You give me a million dollars or so help me I'll raise corn!"

Well folks, I didn't raise corn this year, not one stalk. For that matter I didn't raise okra, beans, squash or anything else. Now, where do I go get my check? I believe in doing my part for America, so if there is anything they'd like to pay me not to do next week I'm game.

This country needs to get back to paying farmers to raise corn and quit paying for people to have kids. I hope to have a kid in the near future, and I worry about all the bills. I certainly can't look forward to an increase in my monthly check for propagating my species.

Now I don't want to be greedy, so I figure I'll start off small. I guess my first year I won't raise 80,000 bushels. That way I give others the chance to enter the anti-corn market. Now, as competition builds, I will offer not to raise corn 25 cents a bushel cheaper than my neighbor. Certainly, the government would see the bargain in paying me not to raise all that corn the other guy isn't going to raise! Ooooh all these numbers are giving me a headache.

I'm sure I have already missed this year's not raising corn season, but I'm going to get a head start on next year. Now what kind of soil do I need, not to raise corn in? I think I'll call my Agricultural Extension agent and ask.

Now I don't want to get in trouble with the IRS for all the money I'm going to make not raising corn. I will need to formulate some way to decide just how much corn I haven't raised to earn the check the government is trying to give me.

Now, the way I see it, if I don't raise corn next year and don't do anything else, effectively I will be unemployed. Therefore, I should qualify for welfare and foodstamps. That way not only will the government won't just be paying me not to raise corn, they'll be paying for my vittles and gas not to go buy corn seed with. Oh man! The dollars are adding up. I can't believe nobody has thought of this before.

I don't know what kind of imbecile thought up a government plan like this, but whoever you were, if you'll come forward and bring me my check, you will be assured of my vote come next election.

Now, where is it you go to sign up to get some of that government cheese?

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.