More Than She Ever Wanted

Now, I don't brag on myself very much. But I did pretty good in life. I have a nice home and a pretty wife. She's good to me and no she doesn't whack me in the head near as much as I would make you believe. And when she does, I usually deserve it. But the fact remains, if women didn't want me to look they wouldn't wear....

Where was I? Oh yeah, bragging on myself.

The other day while my wife was at work I was going through the dresser and came to a journal my wife kept as a little girl. I was sure she wouldn't mind me reading it so I went and got a screwdriver and started prying the lock.

It took a hacksaw, but I finally got it open. One thing I leaned about my wife was that when she was a teenager she wrote the weirdest things. She liked the Bee-Gees (oh gross) and thought some guy named Shaun Cassidy was good looking.

But anyway, on page 12 was the interesting stuff. On it was a form she had filled out stating what she was looking for in a future husband. I began to read these and compare them to myself. I think I did pretty well.

On line one she stated she wanted a handsome man. Well, I can't say I'm Prince Charming, but there are a lot worse than me. I have all my teeth, no worts or anything, lots of hair and none on my back. Yeah, I'm okay in that department, let's move on to line two.

Now, line two says she wanted a husband who was charming. Well, granted I'm not sure what charming is so I looked it up in the dictionary. The only two definitions Webster's gives is 1) delightful ; fascinating and 2) using charms and exercising magic powers. Now, I have no idea which she meant, but I don't belch or scratch in public, and I have a trick set of cards. I guess I have line two covered pretty well.

The third line tells me she was looking for a man who would listen. Well, boy, I do that. I listen to her all the time. Just last night she said something. I only nodded off once and learned quickly to make sure the TV was on, when she wanted to have a talk. Wonder what she said last night?

Line four asks for the physical qualities of her future spouse. All she put was "good shape." Shaped like a what? I'm in pretty good physical shape, the other day we rearranged the living room and I only rested twice.

In line five she explains she wants a man who appreciates the finer things. Well sir, some of those others I may have doubted but this one I've gotten covered. Not a single time in my life have I ever bought wine in a box. Even I know wine has to be in a bottle to have class. Yes sir, I don't want any wine you open with a box cutter. Nope, I always look for the ones with the twist off lids.

And on the last line, she says she was looking for a man who would surprise her. Well, I guess she'll be surprised to find I read her journal.

Yep, all in all I fit the bill, she did pretty good to get me. But I can't discount the fact that she was better than I ever expected to do in a spouse. Tomorrow is her day off, maybe I'll do something to surprise her. It's between putting the toilet lid down and shaving. Oh what the heck, I'll do both, she's worth it!

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