This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

What was I thinking?

Chip answers some of the more colorful e-mail he has received at Maynardville.Com.

Everyone keeps e-mailing me and asking? What were you thinking when you wrote that? Well most honestly, I probably wasn't thinking, my wife says that's my problem.

What I'm usually thinking though, is that some paper or magazine will discover me, and make me rich for writing weekly articles for them. Well maybe not rich but $50 a week is okay too. Believe it or not, a couple do!

I write humor for different people, under different names, and have for several years. One of these days I'm going to go nuts and litigate myself for plagiarism. I'm certain that one day, I'll be surfing the net and find something I wrote under an alias, and file suit before I realize, "Hey that was me!"

So you want to know what I think? Here are some of my answers to some of the more odd mail I have received:

People keep telling me how great they are and how idiotic I am. Well I refer them to the ancient Chinese Proverb. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I try to please everybody in life. Recently I made myself a promise, that I would try to make one person happy each day of my life. What people don't understand is that this may not be their day.

I have been told numerous times that when things go wrong, I just need to smile. This is the biggest bunch of hogwash I've ever heard. You let your car break down on the interstate and see if your first thought is plastering a big smile on your face. Personally, if you see something go wrong with me, and look around and catch me smiling, you can bet I've thought of someone to blame it on. And when you say, "who can you blame for your own problems?" I promise you, give me a minute and I'll think of somebody.

People write me all the time and say "Why don't you just shut up?" First, it just amazes me at the hatemail I get. What amazes me more is that it keeps coming from the same people. I just don't get it! If they hate everything I put on Maynardville.Com, why do they keep reading new stuff? But to answer their question, I guess I would have to say, "why should I suffer in silence, when I can moan, whimper, cry and complain?" Yes sir that's my statement on that issue. And I am fully ready to assume responsibility for my actions. At least the actions I can't blame on someone else.

People write me and criticize my spelling. I never realized there were so many grammar students out there. I can punctuate, and I can spell, I'm just too lazy. There's a thing up there in my toolbar that has ABC and a checkmark on it. My wife told me it's a spellchecker. One of these days I'll take a closer look at it. But my motto on my spelling errors is "I'm willing to make the mistakes, if someone else is willing to learn from them." I sooport publek edukashun.

Remember my little article called Roadkill or Suicide? Click the blue letters if you'd care to refresh your memory. In it I describe what I'd like to do with roadkill. Well ,we pass a law that says in Tennessee we can eat roadkill, but for some reason everyone took offense at the thought of me pulling a good prank with dead critters. Listen, I enjoy small animals when they frolic in the woods, I could watch a deer for hours. But when they're hit by trucks, I enjoy using them for a good practical joke. Apparently some of you prefer to go rip them off the pavement and serve them with creamed potatoes and gravy.

Recently a young lady wrote me from school. She asked for my help in getting some information about the early formation of Union County. I'm a history buff and have written several articles. Actually, I own the largest digital archives of Union County information available on the Internet. But anyway, I sent her one of my articles and told her to use it any way she saw fit. I was the author and I didn't care. I had listed below the article all my sources. Her teacher told her it was plagiarism because she had copied my work. Well, what did this teacher think I did? I wasn't around back when Union County was formed. So I read things that other people wrote, both in historical documents and in books published near the turn of the century like Goodspeed's History of Tennessee. So to me it's like if you steal from one person it's plagiarism, but if you steal from hundreds of people it's called research.

People tell me I can't get a website off the ground in a place like Union County. They tell me the population is too small. I don't believe them, I think the revenue will start coming in. But, I don't believe the other side either. My friends tell me "nothing is impossible!" You'd think they'd know better, I've been successfully doing "nothing" for years.

I will say though I really don't want Maynardville.Com to be too succesful. In Union County if someone thinks you've made a dollar there will be five more try it next week. When I get old and foolish, I'm going to try an experiment. I'm going to rent a building in Maynardville. In this building I am going to store rocks. I will hang out a sign that says "Rocks for Sale." Then I'm going to all the restaurants and start telling everyone how rich I'm getting selling rocks. You watch, before a week is out, five more people will be selling rocks down the street from me. There is no independent thought in Union County as far as new business goes. I think the reason so many people get lost in thought is that it's such unfamiliar territory for them.

As for some of the more personal mail I've gotten, it's made me realize that if nobody knows the troubles you've seen, you don't live in Union County. But then again, the longer I deal with people and the more I learn of their innermost thoughts, the more likely they are to pay me to be quiet.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.