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Heathen!

Is that how that's spelled? I've been called that before but I've never actually seen it on paper. My spellchecker (bet you didn't think I owned one) seems to think I meant Heathery. Anyway you get my point.

I must confess I don't go to church the way I should. I have always gone to big "Money" churches and have never been satisfied. My wife and I are looking for a small country church to start going to. I know most every person in Union County, and my wife seems to think that will help me find a church.

Problem is most of those people know me too and don't want me at their church. Oh, it's not so much that I am a bad person, it's just that I bore easily. Most people get bored in church I know, but they have the common decency to doze off. I get fidgety and start causing a disruption for myself and those around me.

When I was young I had a girlfriend who wanted me to go to church with her. She was Baptist and being fast in my thinking I said "I can't go to church with you I'm Catholic!" Sure this was a lie, I'm as Baptist as I can be, but it got me out of church.

I still remember the day she told her mom I was Catholic. Sitting in her living room, her mom invited me to their Easter Pageant at church. She said, "he can't go he's Catholic."

You may fool a 16 year old girl like that but a 49 year old mom catches on to your stupidity fast. To this day I think they still pray for me and I'm certain I'm banned from their church for life.

But over the years I have come to realize that all kids get bored in church. So I realize that if I do get back in church I have to act better being 34 now. But then again, I hate to see kids have a horrible time at church. So I offer these tips to kids and parents who just loose attention easily:

Kids:

While the parents are all outside before church, sneak that stray dog in and put him in the coat closet. Then when the first hymn starts the dog is sure to howl.
Before church starts go up and turn a few of those black knobs on the piano. Detuning the piano, not only makes hymns more fun for everyone, it keeps the pianist from getting bored while playing.
Walk up to an adult sitting on a pew and ask them if the seat next to them is saved. When they say no, tell them it's a good thing it's in church.
Make up your own words to the hymns and sing them loudly. Before you know it half the parents will be looking at you and the other half will be singing along.
Take plenty of balloons to church with you. Half filled balloons make great flying toys when it gets too quiet. Make sure you inflate a few to burst when it's really quiet. You will be helping all the adults get into heaven by staying awake.
When the Communion Wine is passed make sure to warn your father not to drink too much again. Remind him that a little makes him holy while a lot makes mommy cry.
When the preacher says "The eyes of the Lord are upon you always." Ask loudly "Even last night?"

Parents:

As you drop off your kid at Bible School, be sure to tell them, "If you're bad today you'll go straight to Hades. (Use the other word if you like)
Halfway through church stand up, look at your watch and proclaim "Halftime!" Be sure to blow the whistle so everyone knows.
Give your kid dry Cap'n Crunch to munch during church. Be sure to let him sit over there with his aunt that you can't stand.
When a baby cries during church walk calmly over to the lady and then loudly proclaim "Why don't you do something with that thing?"

So how about it folks? Anybody want to invite me to their church?

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