Vrrrrooooooom

My wife's father always tells us how bad the car we just bought is. I guess he's okay, but he's one of those folks who believes if it was built after 1979 it ain't worth having. One of his favorite phrases is, they don't build cars like this anymore. Usually, I reply not since 1970 anyway.

I write a lot, I drive a lot, therefore I write about driving a lot. It's not by chance either. Seems like everytime I get on the highway I see something else that makes me think. Yesterday was no different. I was driving around Knoxville dodging cars as any smart driver does. I made an observation that in my 35 years I had never noticed.

Every car that cut me off, every car that passed me going 1000 mph and every car that pulled out in front of me was an old car. This made me stop to think, maybe I never started again, but I've had an idea. If I had an old car, I would not have to worry about the normal highway concerns.

Now Maynardville.Com is broke, except on days my wife sends me to the store and I get to keep her change. So, it's probably not in our budget to get another car. I'll ask my wife tonight, but since she said no to the Silly Putty at Walmart yesterday, I doubt she'll spring for me an old car.

But anyway, I spent all day yesterday watching drivers whiz up and down the Interstate weaving in and out blaring their horns. Each and every one was a 70's vintage Ford or Chevy . Some of the trucks had little signs that said "How's my driving?" Then I think it had a phone number, I can't be sure because it went by me so fast.

But, I understand by watching all these old cars yesterday they have benefits over the late model cars.

For instance, I noticed that the old cars seem to go faster in all gears. Especially reverse in the Walmart parking lot. The moron almost ran over me walking up the lane with my buggy. My wife credits the obscene gesture I made at him as the reason I got no Silly Putty.

Leaving Walmart and stopping at the first light another old car pulled up beside me. When the light turned green I added my next benefit to my list. It seems old cars accelerate at an incredible rate. I have no doubt that rockets could reach the moon in half the time if they removed the muffler and canceled the insurance.

Then further down the road I looked in my mirror and saw the windshield of a car. I'm sure the rest of the car was up under my bumper but all I could see in the mirror was a windshield. Behind the windshield I could see a man wearing a suit, eating a Big Mac and reading the paper. Apparently, old cars have a much shorter braking distance than the newer models.

By this time I was intrigued by the thoughts that I might one day own my own old car. Where do you buy them at? Is there an old car lot somewhere? What are the options I would want?

I would want an old car with the suspension reinforced so that I might haul landscaping timbers in the backseat. Never mind that the timbers are ten feet long, while the car is only six feet wide. Let's see, that's ten minus six carry the five, that leaves four feet sticking out the window. No problem, I think it's a law you can haul anything sticking out the window of your old car if you tie a red cloth to it. I guess, this is so the cars you pass will know for sure what knocked their mirror off.

I want one with an oil warning light. That way in December I can drain half my oil and drive up and down the road with the oil light flashing. Just like Christmas lights. But I guess the engine would start clanking and grinding. That might scare kids as I drove by. Guess it'll need a good loud radio to cover up the clanking-grinding noises.

Then, maybe I can leave my left signal light on everwhere I drive. That way I can share my Christmas festivities with everyone that follows me. Then when they try to pass, I can swerve to the left to make sure they get a good look at my blinking Christmas/Signal light.

I would need an old car with good thick bald tires. The kind I don't have to worry about old boards laying in the road with. No sir, just clunk right over that thing and send it sailing over the car behind me.

But the number one benefit I see to having an old car is that you don't have to have insurance on them. No sir, you just drive up and down the road as hard as you can go and everyone will get out of your way. And if by chance one doesn't and you run over it, you just get out, confess you don't have any insurance because it's an old car, and go buy another one.

Maybe I should have said in the beginning I was once hit by a dufus in an old car with no insurance. Kind of explains this one doesn't it?

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